As I purchased my tickets for training camp everything became very real to me. Since I’ve purchased them I’ve been in a low key panic. A two face fear has taken a hold of me; one face is fearing that I wont be able to raise the funds and the other face is the fear of actually going. Im in such a panic that I don’t know what to do or how to to continue working towards the goal. I find myself wasting time distracting myself because then at least I’m not in a panic. My focus is on things that have little to no emotional affect on me. But when the distraction is over it all comes crashing in again. The trip, school, family, work, life it all crashes on me and I don’t know what to do. Anxiety creeps in and finds a home in all of the commotion.
I’m in a battle right now and I’m fighting to believe and trust in God. To trust that he has my family in his hands and their well being. To trust him that the funds will come in and that everything I need to get for the trip will be provided for. To trust him that going to bible college will be beneficial to my life. To trust him that I am worthy to be used by him for his glory.
My heart and soul are heavy. I feel a weight on my chest. At times I feel lost.
The Lord will provide. The Lord is able. The Lord is willing and wanting. The Lord will bring peace and rest. These are the things that I have to believe in.
Accept my reins [on your life], and learn about me, because I am gentle and humble, and [in my service] you will experience rest in your spirits.
Matthew 11:29
