Today was like any other day, I woke up, I listened to worship music and eat breakfast…but than BAM, something hit me and I just became filled with overwhelming emotion of nothingness. I felt lost, empty, alone, sad, depress, unaccomplished, unworthy and anxious.
I don’t do well with emotions, I have learned how to compartmentalized, hide and ignore them. I am usually the one helping others process their emotions but I feel alone when it is time to process my own. I always feel like no one will understand, like they will try to rationalize how I am feeling (and I don’t want that), honestly I just want to cry but than what…so I push the tears back and try to focus on something else and my emotions go back to normal.
That did not work today…today they just got worst, I felt alone with this nothingness of pain, hurt, sadness, failure,and loneliness. I felt unaccomplished with not reaching my latest fundraiser goal, felt unaccomplished by not raising any money this month of May. I felt lost due to the fact that I have no idea what to do next or where to even go from here.
To be honest, I miss Florida, I miss being able to go outside whenever I pleased, I miss my nieces, I miss having access to the ocean (my happy place) and I don’t know what to do with any of it…..I wish I could say that my day ended on a happy note but it did not…my fundraiser was a bust, I still feel alone and lost but tomorrow is another day so I will end my night like any other night listening to worship music and praying/crying out to God.
Your beloved daughter,
Oriolyne Ruchama
