What do you do when death finds you on the race, last month in Honduras my second oldest sister passed away in Haiti and my world was shook.
I am not one who deals with grieving well, I tend to isolate and handle it on my own; I just feel like no one really cares when you’re grieving, you get treated either like a china doll or someone with leporsy, both I can do without.
So when I got confirmation that my sister passed away, my heart broken, my body shut down, my mind went in 1000 different directions and I shut down. What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to cope and manage all these emotions while on a mission field with a group of people that I am still getting to know?
So I took the month of Honduras not only to find joy but to grieve, grieve in a new way, grieve with God and not alone, to share what I was going through with anyone willing to hear what I was saying but also listen to my pain.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
Fast forward to this month in Nicaragua….
I went through the grieving cycle in Honduras and I was okay…nope, first day here, one of the volunteers dad passed away and our host were speaking about the cultural traditions and in that moment I realized I was not done with grieving for my sister, I had missed her funeral, I haven’t seen or spoken to her in years and I felt like the worst little sister there could be.
A sister that could have made more of an effort to have a closer relationship, a sister who could have stopped what she was doing and book a ticket and visit her sisters, a sister who was so consumed with herself and her life that she didn’t even know her sister was sick and dying. A sister that’s not even sure how many nieces and nephews she has between her two sisters.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Letter to Ticia
Sorry!!
Sorry I was not a better sister, sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, sorry you had to live such a hard life, when I was living a selfish one. Sorry I never came to visit or that We weren’t closer. Sorry I did not take the opportunity to get to know your children while you were alive.
Sorry that you did not feel as loved as you deserved too. Sorry I wasn’t there to pray for you, sorry I didn’t get to know your laugh, your favorite colour or what your favorite sound was. Sorry you left this world not having a better relationship with us.
No matter the distance, there was love, no matter the lack of words or visits, there was love, I know you are in heaven with God, dancing with the angels, laughing and praising Him. I am waiting for the day where I join you in praising God for eternity.
