How are you feeling? I’ve been asked this question about 100 times (no really)!! I could answer saying I feel anxious, nervous, scared or worried but all those would be a lie.
If I can be honest…I don’t feel anything right now, well no I do feel something, it’s just not what I guess people will be expecting. I am feeling like I was created for this, I feel like I belong here, I feel at peace, comfortable (meaning not out of place), I am feeling loved by God & community, I am feeling at HOME!! Yes I finally said it, I found home.
If you know me (and you will as long as you continue to follow my journey), Home has been one of the things I could not really grasp. See growing up I did not live with my parents, I lived with my God parents, and they raised me to the best of their abilities, however, I never felt like I fit in, I always felt like the outcast, like I could do nothing right, I was always under the pressure to be perfect, good and smart. It never felt like home, fast forward I moved in with my mom and it still did not feel like home. I had no idea what people meant when they said this feels like home.
So my search continued…for home. What is home? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? What does it even look like? I had to find out, I needed to know, it felt like it was something I needed to feel like a normal person.
Years past & I moved in to my own apartment and I had the furniture, the pictures on the way, the candles and all the “homey” things (or what I thought homey things should look like) but nothing…I did not feel home.
Fast forward to right now, this current moment I am in at launch. It was after session and amazing worship time. I found myself looking for my squad mates to walk back to our room and I found myself excited to see them and laugh with them and as I walked down to write this very blog. God said home. Huh?? Home, this is your home.
Umm Dadddddd!! I need a breakdown, thank you, gracias, sil vous plait, dank je well. As I reflected with Him, God showed me Home. Home is not a building, it is not the things you placed in your house or apartment.
Home is the laughter you share with teammates as you discuss the side effects on medication labels. Home is making nicknames for each other. Home is being able to just sit in a room watching HGTV together and laughing at the fact that the contractor just kicked out the main wall to the outside. Home is praying for leadership as God transitions them into a new beautiful season. Home is when your Squad Alumni Leader remembers your love for ginger ale and gets you one just because. Home is where God fills you with love, peace and joy. Home is where you allow it to be.
I am ready to allow God to just fill me with everything that is home. The laughter, the tears, the accountability, the prays, the pushing, the pulling and all God says home is. The people He will give me to help build home; I promise to love you as well as I know how to with the help of the Lord.
I am excited and almost at tears because I found home, when I stopped looking for it. I found home when I stepped out in complete obedience to the one who created all things beautiful and good. My sweet, loving and kind heavenly father has blessed me with Home, home that I have been on mission with for a year now and will continue to be on mission for another year (hmm let that sink in). Home that is build with all that I need in this season I am in.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for loving me enough to give me a home and not just any home but home that I need, that will build me up, home that has been loving me from day one. Thank you for loving me enough to care about home.
Your beloved daughter
Oriolyne Ruchama
