I continue to recover in my lovely Texas home. My parents are happy to have me back. It’s been refreshing to see familiar faces and to catch up with dear friends.
The transition has not been difficult but I catch myself being much more thankful and grateful. I still get giddy when I brush my teeth with water pressure or when I lay down on my queen size bed. I’ll look over at my closet and smile at my clothes.
I care less about things that I used to care so much for. I care much more for things that I used to not even notice. America is different. I sometimes find myself to be speechless or heartbroken with what I see on TV or overhear at restaurants. So I find myself in a lot more prayer. I guess I’m more sensitive to my environment now.
Things are different for me now.
I’ve had to completely rely on God these past few weeks. I’ve relied on God before but this was different. While I was still in Senga Bay, Malawi, God was clear and let me know that I did not trust Him. It was hard to recognize that. I was on a mission trip sharing the Gospel. My heart and actions were not aligning. I remember being in prayer about that. I told God that I wanted to trust Him but didn’t know how. I was scared to jump into the waters. His waters. Less of me and more of Him meant that I’d have to let go of control. I’d have to let go of my independence and be dependent on Him. And to me, that was TERRIFYING.
To be open to whatever God wanted of me was a scary thought. What if He wanted me to live in a tree and only eat grapes or move to India and give everything up? I don’t want to do either. My point is that opening up to God meant opening myself up to Truth and how can you not follow the path that Truth leads you on. I was scared of the unknown and did not trust that the unknown would be good.
Common thought in my mind: “Not my will but Yours!?!?!” What does that look like? Will I be uncomfortable? Will I be dirty? Will I do things I don’t want to do? I don’t trust that this will be fun.
Then God took me on an adventure.
My adventure involved hospitals, doctors, surgery, crutches, wheelchairs, tears, laughter, medicine, shots, blood, prayer, stillness, smiles, stories, physical therapy, lessons, visions, words, and most importantly my adventure involved Jesus.
I may have “lost” a lot but I gained Jesus.
And honestly, I don’t see myself as losing anything.
I praise this experience. I praise His name.
God gave me this: what kind of faith is faith that doesn’t still glorify and worship Him even through pain.
I would redo this entire experience over and over again. I wouldn’t want less pain or more pain. This entire experience has been a blessing, not a curse.
It isn’t about what we are doing but where our hearts are. And my heart has come a long way.
I trust in Him again. It’s a daily thing but I get excited each day.
He is good. Always. And I don’t think I felt that until now. I knew it because it was biblical but I don’t think I believed it in my heart. I know that in a year, I’ll understand it in a completely different way. I’ll experience new things and know Him differently. I’ll continue to hesitate and I’m sure that I’ll doubt Him at times but I also know that He is good. And when I hesitate or doubt, He’ll remind me of this experience.
So when you ask, how are you? I am great. I am where I need to be. I’m so glad that I relied on Truth, Love, and worship to get me through this.
I am changed. That’s a neat thought.
I didn’t change myself. I was changed by my Creator. Even neater thought.
