I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
I have come to realize on the race that I don’t get mad at God often. not saying this to toot my own horn— it genuinely just isn’t my first response. I am an 8 on the enneagram & I am well aware that this number doesn’t define me but it does validate my unhealthy desire for control. not only a desire but I really do find comfort with things being my way— guilty!! so with that being said, rather than getting mad when my plans don’t align with God’s, I just try & handle everything on my own. it is not something I am necessarily proud of, but I know I can trust myself while trust with others is something that I am able to acknowledge that I struggle with.
with that being said, I thought for the first time in a long time that I was mad at God. it didn’t even seem like anger but I was so confused that I was actually okay with claiming I was mad because I just wanted something to make sense. I realized later on that what I was feeling was disappointment. let me explain more details before I expand on what the Lord taught me through all of this.
meet Angel. although this name is pronounced differently in Latin America it literally is ANGEL & I am more than confident that this is no coincidence. I love kids a lot but this little dude made me experience a love I don’t think I have ever felt before. I look at him & I love him. his smile literally lights up any room & you can’t help but smile either. he does everything with passion & cares deeply about everyone he comes in contact with. makes it hard to believe that he is only 10 years old. more than that, you would never guess that he actually has actually been deprived of a lot of love from his family & hasn’t been given opportunities he deserves.
his struggles weighed so heavy on my heart that I literally called my mom sobbing asking if we could adopt him & he wasn’t even up for adoption :’) (however, because of his circumstances he could be eligible). seriously though, if you know me you know I get obsessed with random, little ideas quite often but this too was different. adoption is a huge deal but the intensity didn’t scare me. after having that put on my heart, I spent HOURS reading & researching Costa Rican laws for adoption, what makes a child eligible, finances, how to apply for it. everything. fast forward to our last week of ministry, only three more days of ministry in Costa Rica. I hoped this would be the last three days I spent with Angel in this place & the next time would be when my family took him to the states. (I am overly optimistic about everything but my mom didn’t shut down the idea so you can’t blame me). anyway, it’s a Wednesday & Angel found out the day before that he was moving back to Nicaragua in FOUR DAYS! my heart was broken in half. I literally sobbed in the back room for 20 minutes before I could see him again. so I tried to make the most out of our time left while trying to hide the fact I could lose it at any moment due to the fact that the adoption idea was now very unlikely & I would no longer have any way of communicating with him. so after ministry on Thursday aka our second to last day, I went to print out pictures that I took over the past months to give to Angel & his family. I paired it with a note in hopes of encouraging them & giving them a glimpse of the love I have for them. I went into Friday bittersweet knowing I had to say see you later but also got to spend a couple more hours with some of my favorite people I have ever met. as soon as the family came I noticed Angel wasn’t with them. I was soon informed that him & his mom ended up leaving a day early than they planned & took a bus at 5 am. I then retreated to the back room where I sobbed yet again. I wasn’t able to give Angel his gift OR say goodbye. one of my hardest days on the race no doubt.
disappointment. no better way to explain it. I have never felt disappointed in God because I have never felt like I have the authority to. this doesn’t change the fact that the Lord is good & sovereign & His plans are SO much better than I can ever dream of but through this time I felt so incredibly disappointed & confused to what the point of all these unfortunate events were. what was the point of going through all that pain? a question that would nonstop go through my head for weeks. I wasn’t asking for the pain of leaving to go away because I was well aware that I loved super hard & I am glad I did but it simply seemed like everything that could have possibly gone wrong, went wrong.
it has now been 2 months since I have seen Angel & I would be lying if I said I don’t think about him more often then not. I mean to be honest, I cry all the time knowing there are many miles separating us & I really don’t know the next time I will see him. praise the Lord I am able to keep in contact with his family I also met in CR but not having any communication with him is real tough. however, the Lord has taught me so much about trust & patience during this time (& He knows dang well I always need help with those two things.) I trust that our paths will cross whether its later on this year or 8 years from now when he said he wants to move to the USA. I trust that the Lord wants good things for both Angel & I & reuniting us would be a prime example of a (really, really, really) good thing. I trust that there was a reason I was able to love him so deeply. I trust that there is a reason He put adoption so heavy on my heart through this process. I trust Him with Angel’s life & that even if I am not a part of it, He will still grow to be an amazing man of God & learn to love radically despite his difficult circumstances. I know the Lord loves Angel & I know the Lord loves me because He gave me the ability to know & love Angel & for that I am eternally grateful.
also some specific places where I have already seen fruit from all of this: 1) I want to pursue a career working with adoption because after doing so much research I realized there are needs in certain countries that aren’t being met & I want to do something about it. && thinking of any child not experiencing the love of a safe family & home makes my heart break in half so I would do anything to reduce those numbers. 2) I message and/or video chat Angel’s family in CR almost every day. literally the sweetest people & them simply saying my name makes my day. (“oh-leeee-vee-uh” ugh so precious). 3) the second Angel told me he was moving to Nicaragua I asked when he would be coming back to Costa Rica because I knew I would have no connection/ way to contact him while in Nicaragua. he said they would be visiting this upcoming December around Christmas so I decided I too wanted to go back so I could see them all again. but I was literally told today that they probably aren’t going to make it in December. I know it’s only May & it’s still so far away but if you guys could pray that both Angel & I are able to make it back to CR that would be so appreciated! && again to cling to the trust & patience from Lord.
I can’t thank you people enough for reading but here is another picture of Angel & I to share my gratitude & just draw attention to the fact that he is the cutest human of all time!
