I’m in chains.
I left Sending Hope a few days ago & it sucked big time. honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but boy am I lucky that the Lord has blessed me so much that something like this was so hard for me. we returned back to Chiang Mai but I felt like I was being sent back to where I came from with very little hope. heres why:
after leaving them I instantly fell into thoughts that the girls would feel abandoned all over again. forgotten. unworthy. not wanted. with the lives they lived before this, it is honestly a valid feeling to have from time to time. they were nearly sold away with a very slim chance of ever seeing their family again & even slimmer feeing of hope of getting to live a normal life where a source of income is not dependent on giving your body to a man to do whatever he wants with it. that statement is harsh but it is a legitimate fear girls have to face in this country. it is horrible & makes me sick with every thought that crosses my mind that there are men who can do this to girls & that it literally occurs every night a street over from where I am currently living. the industry is huge & is constantly expanding due to people’s desires to want more money. even the government encourages it because they get a portion by employing people in authority to supervise these business where brokenness occurs. it pisses me off. I am seriously outraged at the lack of respect that a majority of the population has for women & children.
it’s the kind of anger that consumes you. however, there are far greater things the Lord gives me that should be what I am consumed by. I knew this a few days ago in my heart but I didn’t know how to feel & process all that I was going through. I have never been on a mission trip prior to the race & this is the first entirely relational ministry we have had so grieving in this sort of way wasn’t something I was familiar with. after hours of wrestling with the Lord I was reminded of His authority. that he is literally the creator of this whole world & every person in it so who am I to doubt? to doubt that this place is too broken & the sex traff!cking industry is too big & that there’s no hope of redemption.
I came to the conclusion that I was in chains & being held back by the darkness of this place, leaving me unable to reach my hand out to the Lord. rather than being chained by broken things I want to be in chains for Christ. sometimes that can mean having your heart broken by what breaks His but in that instance you are in alignment with the Lord & not against Him. I watched a sermon from Steven Furtick titled “Choosing Your Chains” (10/10 highly recommend) & it put my struggles into perspective a little more. here are a few points I took away from it:
- you can let your chains break your praise or your praise break your chains— when I first left Sending Hope I was most definitely letting my chains break my praise. it was heavy & exhausting but once again the Lord prevails & showed me that the only way I can combat the darkness is by praising him & keeping my eyes fixed on what is above no matter how hard it is.
- if the Lord doesn’t remove your chains, pray He uses your chains— grieving & wrestling with this stuff wasn’t something I wanted to get over with really quick. it was the kind of pain that demanded to be felt. that reference is from The Fault in our Stars but it reigns true in this instance. I wanted to feel all the feels & embrace all the hurt because I still have 7 months on the race & I have a feeling that goodbyes aren’t gonna get any easier so using this situation & handling it with the Lord as it is happening is my best bet. ALSO, if I am discovering I am passionate about fighting sex traff!cking then my prayer is that the Lord can use me & this passion to His advantage & to bring light to the darkness.
- I serve a chain breaking savior so if I am in chains for Christ then I have zero worries— Psalm 107: 14 says “He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness, and broke away their chains.” God will never put us in chains without a purpose. in the same way He is able to put us in chains, He is also able to break them off & free us from them & that is something to rejoice about.
I genuinely think I was the happiest I have ever been while with the girls at Sending Hope. they made it impossible not to be smiling 24/7 & embodied so many different characteristics of Jesus. I am thankful to know that they are purely the Lord’s people, not mine. even though I was incredibly attached & loved them with all I had in me, God is the only one who has His hand on each & every one of them. I am beyond grateful that Sending Hope exists & that they do everything they can to get girls before they are dragged into the sex traff!cking industry, but more than that, I am grateful God fought for every single girl in that orphanage. that He sought them out & because of His grace they can experience love like no other & are able to carry an indescribable joy that I am very lucky to have come in contact with, even if it was only for two weeks. praise for that place, for the girls & staff, & most of all for the fact that….
I’m in chains for Christ.
