The fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays. The best way to celebrate is at the beach; great cookout style food all day, all of your friends hanging by the water, boats sail by, people sporting their most outrageous patriotic gear, and to top it all off, fireworks to end the night.
There is nothing like a great firework display. Sharp colors against a clear sky, bursting into mesmerizing displays of celebration, I could watch them for hours.
But the reality is they usually last about 20 minutes tops.
And then it’s over and people slowly start to walk to their cars and go home, it always leaves me wanting more. I get that “day after christmas” feeling where I’m just a little letdown that the excitement is over.
That’s kind of how the race feels.
Let me explain a little more. Coming into launch is something that you prepare for for MONTHS. It’s an enormous buildup of excitement, stress, planning, preparing, and then BAM- it’s here. *insert fireworks*
But then the fireworks are over, I think the first time I felt like the show had ended was about 3 days in. Yep, three. days. Not exactly the poster child for marketing I guess.
The first time I felt that was a sucker punch to the gut. Instantly all of the expectations that I didn’t even know I had were shattered and I realized this year wasn’t going to be a year long firework show.
Now I’m at month 7, aka day 186. And ya know what, I was right.
It’s not a year long firework show. It’s not even a year long sparkler show. Sometimes it’s not anything close to special. Sometimes it sucks.
So last night I was 5 days into my antibiotics for strep, which I had contracted just a week into arriving into the Philippines. This was my month to see the fireworks start again, I told myself. And then I was out of commission, throwing up the little food I had eaten this week, sobbing my eyes out on the concrete steps outside our dorm style room, and sweating. Profusely.
Naturally I called my sister to talk me off the emotional ledge I had walked onto. I didn’t even know what I was feeling, but as soon as I started talking the first thing I said was that I was over it. I exploded with all of the things that had been disappointments. The memories of all the times this year didn’t deliver, where I didn’t feel like I had made any impact, where I felt cheated in ministry, where I felt forgotten by God, where I had let myself hope for something once again this month only to have it turn up like a watered down, cheap replica of what I had expected once again.
Let me tell you, the hurt that comes when you feel like everything you hoped for is nothing that you expected is a different kind of hurt. And the realization that it doesn’t really matter if your expectations are met because this year isn’t about you anyway hits REAL hard.
As I was thinking about how I just wanted to get through the next couple weeks, I started remembering the moments that I actually really loved here. I thought about them so that I could plan to do those things more once I felt a little better, and then that would make me feel more accomplished and make everything better.
But the more I thought about those moments, the more I made a different connection. The times I thought of were great, yes, and I felt like my skills were being utilized well, but even more than that most of the memories were things that I didn’t plan, they were the things that God pieced together that I couldn’t have done on my own. And more than that… they were fireworks.
I think I get stuck on the one big show a little too much. If we had fireworks going off all the time, they would kind of lose their meaning. That’s why it’s so special to have the one BIG firework day out of the year. And the more I think about it, I’ve had so many firework days.
Day 3 of the race, when the reality set in that this was LIFE now, not just a pipe dream, the show ended because more shows were being set up. There have been so many moments this year that have mesmerized me. Displays of God’s glory, of His unfailing and relentless love that were captivating. And then there are days where there’s no show. Because that’s life, and some days don’t have fireworks. But some days do, and if I go weeks before I see another firework display, it’s still the most beautiful thing to me.
I didn’t get to see real fireworks this month, it made me sad. But here’s a list of fireworks I did get to see (you’ll just have to imagine the popping sounds):
*Our ministry site filled to capacity with people from different countries all here to serve Jesus and love radically
*Holding an overlooked child with autism and rubbing his head so that he doesn’t keep hitting it to relieve sensory deficit
*Being trained to assist in providing life saving medical care to women in the community
*Watching a baby being born (this one I’m waiting on, some of my squad has witnessed, and I’m putting this down in faith that I’ll have a turn before we leave!!)
*Blowing bubbles and watching the shy kid come away from the wall and play with you
*Having amazing teammates bring you medicine and smoothies, and hang out with you when you’re being a crab
It’s actually a pretty great display huh?
If you’re reading this and you haven’t started your race yet, I hope you go into your season ready to have it look like nothing you expect. But I hope you learn something now that took me 7 months to learn: look for fireworks every day, you’ll find them more often than you’d think. Don’t let the big, impressive stories of others overshadow your story, it’s just as important. Just because you feel like you’re a crappy tourist with one good mission day a month doesn’t mean that’s the truth (hint: it’s not). Above all, it’s not about you. So stop looking at what you’re doing for a place and remember that you’re there to see and be a part of what He is doing in a place, get totally swept up in that, it’s awesome.
Get out there and get ready to see the show of a lifetime.
