It has been almost a full rotation around the sun and I’m back exactly where I started.
At a loss for words.
The thing is, I’m at a loss for words because in reality, I’m not where I started. I’m not where I started at all.
I have joined Khmer children in the lotus patties of Cambodia, as they gleefully hunted for crabs after a recent monsoon rain. I have sat under a bridge watching a Thai sunset, amongst coconut and mystery meat street vendors alike. I have walked the same dusty, red road in Malawi daily to reach my class of two-year olds. I have summited volcanos in Guatemala, marveling at the curvature of the earth as I pick pieces of ash out of my hair.
I have taken showers in the rain when running water is not an option. I have surrendered to the fact when my only form of stimulation derives from a lizard crawling up a wall. I have learned the joys and hardships of sharing life day in and day out with the same six faces. Six faces, might I add, that I would not have recognized a year ago.
A chapter of my life is coming to a close. Subsequently, the elusive quest for closure has commenced.
These past couple of days, I have searched for the words to describe this whirlwind as if they lie in an unsolved formula. I use trial and error methods, reaching in contemplation towards the inner workings of my brain. I ride on mere emotions, rendering myself confused when the winds shift.
“Call to me, and I will tell you the great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3
You’ll have to forgive me for my potential temporary paralysis when I see a Trader Joe’s grocery aisle again. I might talk too much when I need to be silent. I might be silent when words are expected.
Yet, these byproducts of shifting seasons prove trivial when I consider the eternal perspective.
As I return from a venture around this floating rock in space we call home, our Creator is revealing the unsearchable things I do not know. Specifically, He is fixing my gaze above the horizon. There is a binding glue that attaches the human race to one another. We are interconnected, with a beating heart for something far greater than our wildest perceptions. Each breath we take is an indication that we are called higher for a purpose that puts all other purposes to rest. This is a cosmic realm we share.
I think life’s inability to remain stagnant is what makes it so painstakingly beautiful. We are required to practice a delicate dance. We pay homage to the past as we fix our eyes on the future, while attempting to remain present.
Yet, through it all, we have a Creator who promises we are never alone. Each day a newness can be found. There are infinite mysteries still to be revealed.
So.
This is just the beginning.
