Over the past few weeks I have had to say goodbye to everyone I love most in my life. With each one I felt the crack in my heart get deeper and deeper. It’s so easy to dwell on the people we will miss or the luxuries of home or the fear of discomfort, but God wants us to remember the plans He has for us. He wants to lead us down the narrow path of righteousness and show us the immaculate plan He has in store for our lives, if only we would let go of these human things we so tightly cling to.
The past few days have been humbling for me. From the time I applied to the World Race to about a month ago, I felt fearless. I had no worries of leaving my family or moving away from everything I had ever known. I was focused only on the thrill of seeing new places and the plan God has for me on this incredible journey. The past month, not so much. I have plastered on a smile and told everyone how “excited” I was to leave home, when in reality I was questioning whether I could actually follow through. Nerves set in and I would regularly break down about leaving everyone and everything I love for 9 months. However, our God is FAITHFUL. He never leaves or forsakes us and even sometimes when we reject His helping hand, He still waits patiently until we are ready to stand up again. Yesterday in particular was rough. I felt myself slowly crumbling as I dreaded saying my final goodbye that would take place in less than 24 hours. At the joint worship session I could no longer hold back the tears I had so forcefully been shoving down all day. They poured out of my eyes and I had never felt so much heartache in all my life. As my mom took me into her loving embrace, I heard God through her intent but soothing voice. She spoke truth to me and reminded me of all the reasons why I signed up for the race.
God has light for me to shine. I’ve been given this incredible opportunity to follow His call by traveling around the world and living out countless heart opening experiences. God has so much more good in store for me by following His plan instead of my own desires. Along with this much needed reality check, I also recognized that it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay if every once in awhile tears spring to my eyes at the thought of them. As John Green says “it hurts because it matters.” It hurts now and I know it will hurt in the future, but God matters more. I can’t let my hurt take me away from the work God has for me to do. I can’t keep away any love from a child in Cambodia because I am too focused on missing my family back home.
As I hugged my Mom for the last time until April, I was bewildered for about the 783964th time that this was my real life. I am actually doing this, and now in only t-minus 30 hours. Despite the aching in my heart, I am at peace and full of genuine excitement once more, knowing God is waiting for me to arrive in Cambodia so He can begin filling that crack with His perfect love.
