In the beginning of this trip there was God. God and I and I recall several times when my teammates were less than happy about a given situation and my response was " man I just cant get over how blessed we are, we were hand picked by God himself to spend a year with Him, to be his apprentices and be taught by Him personally without the stresses and distractions of everyday life! No bills or rent, everything has been provided for us! And we get to see the world! And we didn’t have to do any of the booking or planning or bargain hunting! It’s all been done! He even provided travel companions, the exact ones we need to be challenged and grow! And our trip was paid for! How could anyone be more blessed than that?!
So why is it that going into month 7 of the race I’m ready to go home? I’m not going to drop out, I know I was called to start and finish the race, but I have been looking forward to home and leaving all this behind more than ever. Lately every morning I wake up feeling almost refreshed from a fair night’s sleep and then a wave of weariness washes over me nearly gluing me to the bed. I think of all the things I don’t want to do, people I don’t want to deal with and I just feel sad. Another day I don’t want to start.
How did this happen?
Well, in the beginning there was God. It was me and God and I just couldn’t take my eyes off Him. He was so captivating and changed my world. Even through really hard times that have made me want to scream and strangle people somehow He brought so much Good out of it. Not only were my problems resolved somehow I ended up blessed after the ordeal. Somehow the vices I couldn’t kick were loosing a grip on me and were soon gone. Somehow I was slowly but surely changing into the person I always wanted to be but thought I could never become because that person was simply too kind, too honorable and too wise.
Then I started the world race and still, it was me and Him and a new family He chose for me, 6 people to share my life with and learn from for 11 months. Then there were all these brilliant distractions, new people, new food, new smells, new clothes, new sights, new lessons, new faith, new love, new pain, new everything. All these things and all their wonder took adjusting to, and each month more adjusting to, and then the next month catching up on sleep, and after that pushing through and continuing to push through till somehow each day became a routine of practicing patience, getting over frustration and trying not to fall asleep midday. This isn’t bad but when that is all you can see it’s not healthy.
I don’t know when but at some point it became just me. Not that God had left but I had become so self focused trying to make sure I wasn’t wasting a minute or missing out that my focus completely shifted. Instead of "rejoicing in trials" which build up patience, character and hope, I was letting annoyance and frustration build up…instead of trusting God to change me as He always had in the past I was caught up in keeping up with everyone else’s transformations and trying hard to do everything needed to ensure my own. The routine of ministry became exactly that, a tiring routine that I was just trying to get through instead of drawing from. I was disappointed with myself for being disappointable and keeping track of everyone’s shortcomings which only magnified my own. I was totally self-focused, looking at and to myself for meaning, fulfillment and strength. What a sad and disappointing picture that is after having looked at the King of Kings who cannot disappoint. Don’t get me wrong, I laugh everyday and there is so much joy in this trip, but that joy is fleeting when the root of it all seems lost.
That is how it happened, a slow and barely noticeable chipping away at the relationship that sustains me until…I just want to go home.
I can’t express how thankful I am that I worship the God of restoration. That "He works all things together for the Good of those who love God". Even as I write this I feel my eyes being opened to a problem I didn’t know how to fix. Our God give us truth because He continues to give Himself over and over again, day after day even after rejection and falling away. This in itself gives me motivation and faith to press in and keep going, to keep searching for Him because He never leaves nor forsakes us. No matter how faithless I am He is faithful and that grace is the transforming power that brought me to the race in the first place. Praise God!
