It had been a rough week. Living in community made me aware that I’m not as extroverted as I thought I was. I was having the hardest time bonding with my team. I sat in the dark and I questioned God before I ended up surrendering. I didn’t surrender because I stood strong in my faith and I trusted He had a plan. I surrendered because I was emotionally drained. I was tired of all the thoughts running through my head. I thought something was wrong with me. I wasn’t on the same page as the girls on my team and I didn’t understand why. I felt like I came from a way different background than most of them and I had nothing good to bring to the table. I didn’t know how God was going to use me. I didn’t know why I was here. I felt like if anything I was holding people back from getting the experience they signed up for. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
I allowed the enemy to get in my head.
The next day it was my turn to go to a coffee shop to meet with locals and help them practice their English. I wasn’t in the mood to go anywhere or see anyone. I had stayed up late wrestling with my emotions and I felt very defeated.
When we arrived to the coffee shop we sat in a long table with 11 locals. We split off into two groups and our group began to ask my teammate Heather and I about what we’re doing in China. We told them we were missionaries and they didn’t know what that was. We explained to them that we go out to different countries to share God’s love and we serve however they need us to. They were very curious to hear about the ways we help, and they were also very amazed that we would do something like that.
There were 3 locals that were non-believers in our group. Ginny and Leo was a young couple talking with us. They kept giving each other looks and seemed very confused when Heather and I were sharing. I felt bad that all we were talking about was God. I remembered when I wasn’t a Christian and I would feel extremely uncomfortable when people talked about God around me. I approached them after our session and said to them, “Hey is there any questions you guys have? It doesn’t need to be about God.” And Ginny said to me, “I don’t believe in God, but I believe in you and your love for others. I can feel your love.”
My heart dropped. I had no idea God was using me that whole time to reach out to Ginny.
After she said that I told her that the love she was feeling was coming from Jesus. I got the chance to explain to her that before coming to Christ my life was very self-centered. I shared about how much I doubted God before I became a believer. I told her how He transformed my heart, and that my love for others was very small compared to the way God loves us. She then told me that her parents believe in God too, and that they pray and bless her family every day. She thanked me for being so nice and sharing my story with her, she said she could relate. She then gave me a big hug and asked to exchange emails so we could keep in touch. I told her that I admired her curiosity and I encouraged her to keep asking questions.
Ginny reminded me of myself. She was curious, skeptic, full of doubt, but God was tugging on her heart. She was becoming aware of His love. She was asking the same questions I’d ask.
I sat in the car feeling extremely humbled. I prayed for Ginny and Leo and I thanked God for the opportunity to talk to them. I felt so much joy knowing that God was using ME to touch someone’s life. I asked for forgiveness for second-guessing that He had a purpose for me. All the doubts I had the night before vanished the moment I sat in His presence. I was shown that He’s going to use me even when I’m not aware of it. I realized that my story is unique, and that when I fail to see the beauty of it, God comes through to remove all fear and doubt. I’m happy that my story is nowhere near perfect. I’m confident that God will continue to work in me. And all I pray for is that I continue to show God’s love to many friends like Ginny.
“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:3-6
