Part 1::Do You Know A Broken Man?
It was one Friday night in June 2009 I drove home crying. After work on Friday, I made the hour drive to my family's house in Simi Valley, CA, wiping the endless tears from my cheeks. Why? I was broken. Broken with feelings of inadequacy.
Some back story…
I was living on my own near the beach in beautiful Santa Monica, and from an outsiders perspective, NOE HAD THE PERFECT LIFE! Renter of a beautiful apartment with a flat screen TV…a paid off sporty car with a sun roof…a Christian girlfriend…HR Manager of a Christian non profit…actively involved in church…son of successful pastors and teachers… young adults leader at Church…respected by family and friends…and a bank account with many zero's. LIFE WAS GOOD!
Well, for the most part.
Until I came face to face with my own reality.
I realized, I was insecure.
I realized, I felt completely inadequate.
I realized, I did not feel like a strong man, but like a boy with no inner strength.
I realized, I didn't feel like that capable man.
I realized, I was…broken.
And I realized, something was off.
This something is why I went on the World Race. I did go because I love to minister, to preach, teach, evangelize, share God's love, and travel. But on the personal level, I had one other motive. The motive…
I needed to realize what was off. I wanted to understand how I could be successful in many areas of my life, even internally with grown wisdom, patience, love, and talents, but still have this off feeling. This something was causing my dark secrets of feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. This darkness inside left me wondering how I could live with this secret anymore. On the outside I had it all together. But on the inside, when faced with my own fear of inadequacy, I was broken. And this brokenness I had to share with someone, so I shared it with my family.
They were great. That night I drove home they sat around the kitchen table and couch and they spoke truth into my life, that I am very capable and strong. But for myself, I did not feel like the strong man that other men appeared to be, or that I knew someday I could be. Something needed to happen on the inside of me to believe these truths. I hated crying like a baby, because I didn't feel like a man. It was embarrassing. It was weak. It was not the sign of a man. But it was…me.
With this brokenness, and a desire to surrender everything I had to God (possessions, job, comforts, ministry) I went. I went on the World Race, hoping for something to happen that would finally make me into a man.
