It’s 9 am. For the first time in 10 days, i’ve woken up in my own bed with clean clothes and a cup of joe.
First things first, God speaks.
Walking into training camp, I had a clouded mind, and a lot of baggage. Part of me was expecting that I could walk right into camp, and everything that I was holding onto would disappear. I was partly right, but it wasn’t that easy. The sin that I held on to would be forgiven, but not forgotten. As I worshipped and prayed, I felt alone, I felt a disconnect. I felt no repentance in my heart.
This past summer, I fell deeply into sin. Call it spiritual warfare, call it whatever, either way, it happened. My rebellion peaked, and I found myself going out whenever I had the chance, and going home with multiple different girls. Everything I had been rescued from earlier in the year, had been made into a cocktail that I couldn’t get enough of. In the midst of sin, I found myself at a crossroads. To go to training camp, or to throw the towel in on this whole thing. I even remember my parents saying “Are you still planning on even going?”
As unworthy as I felt, I had to go. I arrive to camp and try to slide under the radar. I felt nothing but God was on the move and slowly my heart began to change. At one instance during worship (Which was incredible!), I found myself praying to God to “forgive me please, I don’t know how or what to do but just show me what I have to do”. Sure enough, seconds after, our team leader comes up to me during worship and says “God is telling me that you have something at home you need to let go of.” Worship concludes and my mind is still numb. The struggle continues to the next day. Another team leader comes up to me during the night and says that she had a vision of me. “I see you with a chain around your next and a great weight attached to it, you are trapped in a small red circle of paint created by the enemy, and God wants you to walk out into the light and join his giant kingdom.”
At this point my mind is STILL numb. I couldn’t understand how I was still unrepentant after the God of the universe had literally come down to talk to me specifically even after I had ran from his love.
Continuing the story, camp goes on and finally on the last day, I’m praying during worship, and one of my squad mates comes up to me and says “God wants me to tell you that he loves you and you are his son” I sit down and begin praying more I ask God, “I want to be forgiven, I want to let go, but i’m not feeling anything”. Right one cue, the worship leaders stops singing for a little mid song spoken word, and she says “You may not be feeling anything right now, but God is depositing things into your soul”. I’m in awe but still praying, I asked God “How can you still love me and forgive me at this point?”. Kaboom, another leader comes up to me and says “God wants you to know that this song is specifically for you”.
Sure enough the song we were singing was about his love for us.
Believe it or not, I was still numb to the love of God, but I was not any less in love with him. I prayed that he would show me his love and stayed content in my worship. I stayed still in him and pushed my feelings aside.
Next day comes along and we are worshiping in the morning.
He sure let me have it, I remember feeling completely overwhelmed, the numbness was gone, the tears were coming out, the support from my team was incredible as they prayed over me and hugged me. At this point there was more work to be done but the feeling of Gods love and the love I had for him allowed me to truly repent and feel truly forgiven. Fast forward through all the amazing moments, prayers, healing, prophecy, and my own baptism, and here I am in my kitchen ready to serve the kingdom again but this time for the rest of my life.
God is so much more real than we make him. He has given us authority to drive out the enemy, to heal the sick, to walk with him. We choose to make him into a far out authority of discipline when he is so much more with us at every moment. Mission work is not just a 9 month journey to a 3rd world country, its the way you live right now where you are. You can’t take anything with you to heaven, but God call us to “build up riches in heaven”.
God wants you us to love and save our brothers and sisters. His kingdom is boundless.
