“In the silence, the boy understood that the desert, the wind, and the sun were also trying to understand the signs written by the [Hand That Wrote it All], and were seeking to follow their paths, and to understand what had been written…” –The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
I use to serve at my church every weekend. That was my identity. That’s who I was. I knew God was active in my life and I was more than happy to serve and be used by Him. Then I got in my own way. Out of selfishness I made mistake after mistake and was asked to step aside from my position. In losing that opportunity for service I lost friendships and more importantly I lost sight of God in my life. I lost myself.
Depression was an ocean and I was lost at sea. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that God had given up on me. I felt like He had no more use for me. I had my job and I was simply going to lead an unremarkable life and stay out of God’s way so as not to cause more problems… so I thought.
That dark place is where God found me. I knew He was calling me to something, some kind of change, some kind of adventure. Thinking that He simply wanted me to get some space from my day-to-day I went on vacation to Portland to visit my best friend from high school. I had been promising a visit for two years so why not kill two birds with one stone. I would get the space to listen to God that I thought He was asking and I would visit Anna.
Portland was great, but when I got home I still felt God calling. “Bigger.” That’s what He said. Bigger? I wouldn’t trust myself with anything bigger after the mistakes I made but there was no denying that God wanted me and was prepared to pursue me relentlessly, that much I was sure of. But what could I do that was “big?” What could He possibly mean?
God speaks to everyone differently. For me He most often speaks in a language that my heart can hear but not understand. It is a rush of pure emotion, not good or bad, not even entirely explainable, but certainly unmistakable. So when a Facebook ad for the World Race (yeah, I know, Facebook?) came across my computer screen and my heart began hearing God instantly, I knew what “bigger” meant. Oh boy…
For weeks I flirted with the idea of applying. I wrestled with my doubts and heard all too clearly the voice in me shouting my inadequacies. I asked my former youth pastor, who knew my good qualities and my bad and had seen me succeed and fail more than anyone else, for prayer and advice. The whole time, God kept pressing. Then my roommate, Kacy, an incredible blessing God placed in my life, gave me a book: The Alchemist. Immediately after finishing that book, I started the application.
To be honest, I did not expect to get accepted, not me, not after everything. But here I am, preparing for the “bigger” that God had prepared for me before I even considered it. God has prepared a path for me with blessings and challenges. This path is truly bigger than anything I imagined, but God only asks that I walk it with Him and know that no matter what I face both with my team and on my own, He has written it and He is the “BIGGER!”
