The last week of my time in this marvelous, breathtaking country has been one of the sweatiest of my life. It’s also been one of the sweetest and most freeing. I cannot believe what all we were able to accomplish as a team. For starters, we spent the week trekking over 50 miles through the Himalayas. We got the hottest I’ve been in a while, we were attacked by spiders, leeches, and frogs, and we got to see God move in places we never expected. Being committed to the sweat made this a lot easier; so did being committed to the “one” we may encounter to share with. Personally, one of the coolest things about this was being alone with my head, my thoughts, and my God. He has a lot to say if I listen—so being alone in the mountains trekking for miles and hours was a perfect platform. You can see God beautifully through nature too. This trekking experience brought huge epiphanies to my mind. One in particular jumped out.
Pace or fall on your face.
Let me paint a little bit of a picture: trekking with a group of 14 girls and two leaders, you can get a little lost in the pack mentality. You don’t wanna be last, but you have a huge responsibility at the front, and you don’t wanna get lost in the middle leaving too big of a gap. It’s easy to get in your head about it all. Comparison and shame can creep in—especially if you’re of competitive nature. Doubt and shame can too if you’re judging yourself the whole way. As I tried really hard to stay in the front, I found myself basically dying and just needing breaks. I decided I’d rather make it to the top than hurt myself trying, so I took breaks as needed and began talking to my competitive self. You’re doing fine, you don’t hike a lot and yet here you go, keep going you got this, keep your own pace. That last line sparked some words from God. He asked me to think about my life and where I was at. Did I actually keep my own pace? Was I trying to keep up where I shouldn’t be? Was I trying to impress people and killing myself in the process? Was I more concerned with being at the front than making the journey worth while and doing it the way I should? So yeah, that got me pretty convicted.
How often in our lives do we worry so much about the next move, the people who are watching, the end goal, that we miss the art of the process? I realized that in keeping my own pace I got to get to the top and not fall apart, but be proud that I made it all that way. Any time I would get too confident I would trip or roll my ankle. It was a reminder to take it a step at a time and be ok with where I am. How often in life do I forget that I am 21 years old and act like I’m 28 with 2 kids and a mortgage? How often am I focused on just being better and getting to “that person’s” level that I neglect dealing with myself in the moment? How often do I worry so much about my reputation that I pretend to be ok so that no one knows I fail? How often do I over it all up rather than deal and heal? Every time I run at the pace I think I should rather than allow myself to build up to it, I burn out.
The illusion of being okay isn’t working for me anymore.
And as much as it pains me to take a step back, I would rather pace than fall on my face. Do I want people to see a mess or to see that sometimes I fail, sometimes I’m just not okay, sometimes I’ve made a mistake, sometimes I can’t fix it I just have to live and move on…no I don’t. But I need to learn. We all do. Failure as a 3 on the enneagram is NOT in my DNA. But I’m deciding to choose into the mess this time around. I’m calling this chapter of my life “Falling Apart on Purpose”. Only in that beauty can God put me back together. When I get up on my own after the fall, or when I run on my own to start with, I inevitably break again. When I allow God to be the potter He is, things can actually stay together this time around.
Here’s the thing, at the top, even in the back of the pack, I felt the accomplishment. I felt it a little more even. Over the week, just like that, the muscles built. I spent time with God, I paced, sometimes I pushed myself and accomplished day after day. Eventually, I was part of the “front five”…the front three…then I led all the way out for our last stretch. A week of progress was way more amazing as I saw God walk by my side and strengthen me, literally.
Figuratively, I also decided to pace. I chose to reveal my mess to a girl who was on the fence about Jesus. I told her about my struggles when coming to Christ, about putting my identity in men sometimes, my struggles inside, and I revealed to her that you didn’t have to be perfect to follow God—something I’m still learning. I chose to pace, I wasn’t the first one to talk, I didn’t talk to every person either that week. But when God told me to take the steps and lead the pack, I jumped in. And because of the Lord and trusting Him, this young girl chose to follow Jesus. I could have jumped in before we made friends and have scared her off for calling her out, I could have talked to others and not let the Lord lead and I wouldn’t have seen fruit. But in pacing myself..man I saw the fruit. I got to pray another sister into the kingdom.
And hey, the 50+ miles hike to find her was so worth it. Even if just for the one (although we saw a handful give their lives so praise God for that). So allow yourself to take the time, have grace, and let the Lord set your pace. Maybe He wants you to be in the back of the pack so He has a little more time to talk to you. Maybe He needs your attention on Him and off of everything around you. If you’re focused, you’ll know when it’s time to step up, maybe even show off. By the end, you’ll look back and not worry about the time it took, you’ll just be glad of the mountain you conquered and have memories of those who did it with you.
..and how well please Your Papa will be that you chose to pace your journey with Him.
Matthew 3:17
