Y’all, the Lord is good.
I’m not saying this from an emmense place blessing or anything either. I’m actually writing this blog on my phone, in a tire shop, waiting on my bum car to get fixed. After neglecting this for a few days, the Lord has rested me to take time to process and share with everyone. And honestly, from training camp, all I’ve learned and experienced these past 2 weeks from Papa and my squad, and even from a blown out tire 30 mins ago, the best way I can sum it up is: The Lord is good. Look at God go.
There is no way I could write a blog on training camp without it being a book. I know I could never sum up all of what was shown to me: aka, more blogs to come in pieces. However, big picture I can relay. Training camp was a long couple of weeks. It was emotionally, physically, and spiritually trying. There were cold nights and showers, porta potties, worship sessions that led me to tears, sessions that fired up my soul to change, moments of forgiveness and reliance on the Lord for strength, and beautiful redemption and creation of friendships.
I realized at TC that I had been ignoring God for a hot second. He has been begging me to draw near to Him and release my shame and hard heart for a long time. I didn’t listen because living comfortably sedentary (even in sin and shame) is easier than redefining your entire life. I had used my good parts as an excuse to cover my bad. I had used the fact that I didn’t often think about my pain as an excuse to not deal, not forgive others, and not forgive myself. At training camp, the Lord WRECKED me. In a place where you’re forced to listen and dig in, and surrounded by other amazing squad mates and children of God, you hear God. He renewed in me a voice for Him. He reminded me of His love and the forgiveness I needed to give towards so many people—including men who hurt me in the past that I had been equating to God. He showed me the first few steps in learning to love myself again and let go of shame.
The biggest change or moment was awesome though. I have struggled in sin for a long time. I’ve heard the phrase “once we are in God we aren’t sinners anymore, we are saved and we live in that freedom”, but that never felt applicable to me. Even though the Lord has provided and protected me every step I have taken away from Him, for some reason I’ve always wondered why He has never taken me out of the struggle. I’ve prayed the prayer, hands have been laid, tears have been shed, all what seems like hundreds of times. Yet, I know every time, in a few months, it’ll all be back again. The Lord waited for His timing and His glory. This time, He renewed His sweet love to me first. He surrounded me with women and sisterhood that I could feel safe in sharing and free of judgement. He surrounded me with men of God who were perfect examples of pursuant love and the way gentlemen should be. He gave me leaders who were able to say “I’ve been there and the Lord is still good”. I was incommunication with God and able to work through things I didn’t want to touch.
And for the first time: when I prayed the prayer, when hands were laid, when I wasnt even doing my best yet and knew I had up to go, the Lord said ”that’s ok. You are my daughter, and that is enough.“ For the first time, that voice of doubt and this is going to come back was no longer there! My spirit of fear was gone and I knew the Lord had redefined my future. He restored my hope and purpose.
Obviously, I’m not going into too deep of detail because I’m not trying to put myself on blast just yet (eventually, that long term redemption will be a part of my testimony that I can share). Yet, because of this love, the prodigal son story took hold of my life, and I ran back home to my Papa. On October 25th 2018, in front of my family in Christ, new best friends, and those who have pushed me back together and to better, I rededicated my life to Christ and was baptized (again). I never felt worthy of this action; sometimes I didn’t even think it was an option. But the Holy Spirit pushed me and told me to trust and do it. This will signify a new place in life. Unlike the first time, I see life change coming. I see hope, a purpose, and a prosperous future. I see the Lord and I taking on life and my path being so secure even when I’m not in control of where it’s headed.
And already guys, I’m in wonder of my Father. God, you’re so so good to me.
