Yesterday evening, I was able to travel to Knoxville for a United Pursuit Worship Night with some friends. It was my first time ever going to one so I had no idea what to expect; honestly, I was just really hopeful that God would show up and sooth my soul. See, I have NEVER been an anxious person. Every once in a while I will get nervous right before singing something or giving a big speech, but typically I can depend on that feeling going away within the first few minutes.
As of late, I have been a literal ball of jitters. I have been stress sleeping/dreaming, waking up every hour, waking up more tired than I was when I laid down, not eating, binge eating, sleeping way too long, feeling so overwhelmed/full of stress, and sometimes even physically ill. I do have a lot going on, but that is the usual with me so these feelings don’t completely make sense. For a quick life update, this Saturday evening is my senior vocal recital, then I have fall break to go home and prepare, then a day later I leave for training camp–which is scary all by itself, not to mention I am missing those 2 weeks of school and have papers/homework due. This is my last semester of school and I am simultaneously preparing for the biggest jump of my life. Besides that, fundraising and making money in general can be worrisome if you think about it too often.
Throughout all of this, the one thing I find constant is God’s voice. He has continued to break through the barrier of my darkened view to shed light on the situation. Last night was a great example of this. In a little pre-song rant, the worship leader made the comment that fear and faith cannot coincide. Wow…dang. That was something I certainly needed to hear. The statement was so bold; it wasn’t just “do not fear” but it was even one step further. You CANNOT participate in the act of having faith if you are being overwhelmed by fear.
I mean think about it like this, you can’t really be happy when you’re so sad you’re ugly crying. In that moment, you’re only thinking about whatever is making you upset. You may long for those feelings of happiness, or hope to feel that way again, or maybe even say “I know I’ll be happy again…just not right now.” The same thing happens with faith if you think about it. You cannot be drowning in fear, anxiety, stress, or whatever term you want to call it and actively have that faith that it will be okay. You may see a light at the end of the tunnel, or have a belief that eventually it will be okay, but in that moment, fear is winning. You either actively handing over that fear item to God and relying on Him to remove it, or you are still slightly holding on.
Now, let me get something straight. I don’t think people consciously choose fear over faith. No one looks around and decides yeah I think I’d rather stay feeling overwhelmed, unworthy, and worried than hand this to God. However, there comes a point that we are aware that fear is taking over…and we just sit in it like helpless children. In those moments, we have to choose faith. Funny enough, last night after the concert I was able to meet up and chat with one of my future squamates. Looking back now, our conversation was FULL of fear! It was both of us speaking on what we were afraid of, what we were struggling with, and all we were feeling now leading up to the race. It was nice to know that someone else felt that way, as is comfort in any situation of fear, but I realized leaving that situation that I had allowed those worries to become bigger than my faith. Even in statements of expectation of God, I was worried to be too bold because “what if God doesn’t show up the way I think” or “maybe I shouldn’t expect that because it might not happen”. Wait.. did I just put a limit on God??
But that’s what fear does! It takes your weaknesses and pushes at them to make you feel powerless. Someone once told me that before you’re a Christian, Satan pokes and picks at you. He points out your flaws, your shortcomings and failures, and all the things you can’t do in order to try and basically kill you. However, once we choose Christ, he then moves to pick on God. He knows now we have redefined our identity and, typically, he can’t say too much about us because we will come back to God and find our worth in the end. However, he thinks now the only option is to trick us into believing our God isn’t good enough. His best tactic? Fear.
The devil plays this game where he says oh, your God is too busy or isn’t good enough to help you all the way through that. You’re not good enough, He’s not good enough…you’re just not going to make it. When we allow that manipulation to come into our vision, we can no longer see God’s faithfulness. This rant isn’t to poke at anyone else. Rather, it is more of a reminder to myself: Fear is a liar. The amount of times God says “do not fear” isn’t a coincidence: He has to remind us constantly because we are constantly in fear. We are just little frantic sheep who stray and worry and lose sight of our Shepherd as soon as we see a wolf…even if we just think we see one far off in the distance. Often times, we even mistake something that will be prosperous in the future as something to be afraid of just because it is different than what we are used to. Once we are put in a state of anxiety, our perspective switches too towards that anxious mindset. Faith goes out the window.
However, like I said before, God is so good at coming back around and speaking through. God takes these moments of weakness and enables us to glorify Him through them. See, the devil may use these tactics, but He isn’t creative. He seeks out our weaknesses and attempts to scare us out of whatever that next step God is asking us to take, but he can’t create new weaknesses within you. God is the creator who put those weaknesses there in the first place. He knows where you will struggle and fret because He made you that way. All for a reason though. We need those weaknesses so that we are reminded of a God who is stronger. If we didn’t have weaknesses, we would never look to God for anything because we would believe we were fine as is. Flaws force you to realize you need something more than yourself. That’s why God says “do not fear”. Not because you have no reason to (cause without Him you super do), but because within His guard there is nothing that can surpass His strength. His knowledge is all powerful; there is no tactic of the enemy, the situation, the change headed your way, or even the physical sickness and pain that could surprise God and catch Him off guard. Instead, the good Shepherd longs to still and calm you. He prepares a table before you in the presence of your enemies. I mean come on! God is so amazing and confident that He straight sets up dinner in front of your attackers, kicks His feet back, and brags like “whatcha gonna do? I’m God. I’ve got this. I mean try if you might but….*sips wine*” (or so I would like to imagine lol).
So, after leaving that conversation with my squad mate, I was able to think all of this over. I had been so fearful because I allowed myself to drown and believe that this all wasn’t going to go well. Leaning back into the Shepherd, He has never stopped fighting for me. In every attempt to keep me calm, I’ve fought Him and yet every day he seeks me out to bring me back to center. Therefore, do not fear. Not because the feeling will never be there, but because it’s a lie. As overwhelmed as I am, and as incapable and unprepared as I feel on my own, I’m not. My pack may be heavy but I’m pretty sure if God can carry the universe He won’t mind to lift that small load.
“His burden is easy and his yoke is light”.
