Being stuck in bad all day with ‘stomach issues’ = no fun!
However, it seems to be the only way the Lord has been able to slow me down long enough to have some time for rest, time for fasting (food was absolutely not on the radar!), and time to listen. Thinking even hurt yesterday! But, during the few times I was coherent and not mostly sleeping, all I kept hearing was “My peace I give you”.
It was weird to be in the middle of so much physical discomfort and believe that. But, then I started thinking about all the mental discomfort I’ve been putting myself throught the past week or so. Getting the t-shirts designed, planning fundraisers, feeling way out on a limb with this huge amount of money I have to raise, and feeling completely out of control with it all. And, not being okay with that!
As I lay on my death bed yesterday, I was still struggling (as much as I could anyway) with what wasn’t getting done as I laid there, struggling with being stuck with sickness, struggling with disappointing friends I was supposed to have bible study with, and then ~My peace I give you. Thank goodness even the obnoxious voice in my head was weak, because that came throught like a cool cloth to my forehead. And, I slept.
Why is it so hard to stop fighting and just trust? Why can’t ‘doing’ and ‘moving forward’ exist without the seemingly constant struggle of ‘what if’? This reminds me of a Shel Silverstein poem (who doesn’t love ‘A Light in the Attic’?)
Whatif by Shel Silverstein
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I’m dumb in school?
Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there’s poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don’t grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won’t bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!
some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
and pranced and partied all night long
and sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I’m dumb in school?
Whatif they’ve closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there’s poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don’t grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won’t bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don’t grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems well, and then
the nighttime Whatifs strike again!
Those pesky whatifs are nothing but the enemies taunts, to distract me from what God has called me to. The only time I start to doubt is when I listen to them.
In the name of Jesus, I hereby banish the whatifs! You don’t get to live in my ears anymore!
As I still travel down the road to recovery (I’m about 75% better…but very seriously considering a nap…) I’m reminded of the silence. The quiet place where you’re even too tired to feel anything other than loved or taken care of. And, completely in the Father’s peace.
