While I was on the race, one of my most ridiculous moments was in Uganda when I ‘lost’ our pastor’s son. I mean I tore that village up and down looking for that three year old until I was told that his uncle had taken him to the market… and even then I honestly didn’t rest until Solo was back in my arms where I physically knew that he was safe. This particular week just happened to be ‘Encouragement Week’ where my team was spending each night calling out the greatness in each other. When it was my night later that week my teammate Angela said to me:
‘Don’t take this the wrong way…
But…
You’re like a mama cow.’
Wait… what… really? As I sat there listening to her, she explained how she had grown up on a farm and when mama cows had their calves taken away they became relentless, doing whatever they could in their power to try and get back to their baby. Little did I know how much this statement was completely covered with the prophetic and would ultimately be put to the test.
Since day one, though, it’s definitely been a struggle. I’ve done everything I could to make this work, but as others around me have pointed out, this season has been sucking the life out of me and I’ve been slowly dying inside. The other day I was completely overwhelmed, and holding back the tears, I started praying about why I was here. I ended up going to my bosses and we decided that I was not where I was supposed to be… I’m definitely meant to be hands on, long term (which is completely opposite of where I am now). But, there was one thing keeping us from letting me instantly join AIM’s developing Thailand Initiative… my student loans. What was I going to do with this? Did I need to keep moving forward toward my dream, trusting that God would miraculously provide or did I need to go back home, get a job, and gradually pay this debt off for a season? We decided to pray about it over the weekend and see what God said.
Well that night God, in His ridiculous randomness, woke me up at 4am to an image of the movie Cars (the second Disney movie He’s used to speak to me this week, by the way). God showed me through the movie how the main character Lightning McQueen had, at no fault of his own, got off track to where he was supposed to be going and then couldn’t go until he paid of his debt. In that instant I knew, my long term overseas dreams were being put on hold.
And so, as much as I want to stay in Gainesville and head out to Thailand next summer… I have to go. I have to once again live out Hebrews 11:8, the same exact verse that has followed me through this entire mission journey, to walk in obedience and to walk into the unknown. I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m going to do. And I have no idea when God will let me back on the field again. But with each step I take, I persevere with this relentless pursuit of the Kingdom and getting back to those precious children, holding fast to the truth that God is still so incredibly good.
