Two weeks ago if you would have told me that I’d be preaching and sharing my testimony in public I probably would have laughed in your face…
However a week ago when we were asked to do share our testimony at the post office-laughing was the furthest thing from my mind.
I think terrified would describe it best. Sharing my story isn’t something I’m entirely comfortable with.
I think mostly because I feel that it’s still so incomplete
While God has worked in me and my life-sometimes seeing how much more work there is- is well overwhelming.
Honestly I spent the majority of the week trying to figure out what to share or how to get out of it.
This is the portion of my story I shared at the post office we preach and fellowship with…
This week has been a struggle for me because I felt like to share my story I’d have to share how God redeemed my life or how He healed me or showed up big time and honestly where I am with God right now its hard to see any of that.
I’m currently at a place in my life where I’m struggling to have faith at all let alone in all the truths I know. Truths that I know in my head but for whatever reasons those truths have yet to pierce my heart and soul.
Even though in the moment I’m frustrated with God with what I feel is a lack of work in my life..
…and while I have more doubts than I know what to do with right now…
…and I honestly don’t really feel like His daughter…
…and I don’t totally believes that He loves me…
And to top it off I’m skeptical that He will every fully heal my heart from the past.
Despite all these things I don’t fully know right now I do know that there was a point I did feel and believe all those things.
A time when I did truly believe in my Fathers redeeming love.
And I’m holding on for dear life in the faith that I will feel and believe and truly know those things again…
…that I will know the truths of His love and grace again…
…and not just in my head but in my heart and that I will walk in that truth…
…that I will be able to testify and truly walk in the newness of life He gives to those who follow Him and trust in Him.
Like I mentioned
I haven’t always felt such a lack a faith..
Back in August of 2009 me and Jesus started this amazing dance of ours..
I was floored when I realized He was asking ME to dance, that He was pursing me, that HE was actually choosing me…
What I didn’t realize until quite a bit after that was that He had asked me to dance years before, that I could trace back over the years of my life that He had been pursing me, that He had been choosing me over and over and over again..I was just far to blinded by my own pain and heartache to see that.
When I first met Jesus I was about 15, however due to life circumstances and the walls around my heart that I was unwilling to let crumble at the risk of getting hurt I let our relationship fall away. I had thought I had lost Him.
It wasn’t until we started dancing again that I realized that even though at the time I thought I was without Him He has always been with me..and even now. I may not feel Him now and as hard is that is our track record tells me that He is in fact still with me regardless of how I feel.
I bet if your honest with yourself and God, your track record with Him will tell you the same thing…
…and just incase not, He’s already told me..
He is with you…like it or not.
But really you should like it..
Anyways…after our initial relationship faded I still knew that’s what I needed, it’s what I wanted. I wanted to know God but I was sure my sin was far to much and that I would spend the rest of my life in the hell that I realized I had created my life to be… the “hurricane” is what I commonly refer to it as.
The “hurricane” easily consumed five or more years of my life. During those five year I drank in anything and everything self destructive anything that I thought might ease the pain and disappointment of life. Anything that would drown out the voice that told me I was worthless, that I would never be good enough..that no one would ever or could ever truly love me.
…life had become a hurricane at the very least..in the midst of it-it was a very real hell…
A hell I was convinced that I was sentence to live in the rest of my life. That I didn’t deserve better…that I had messed up to much in life to deserve any better…
I would hit rock bottom just to find out I could fall more.
Eventually I had reached a point after everything I had put myself through, after everything life had put me through and then
..after five years of a giving everything I had..everything I could give. After loving someone with all that had and giving all of myself and having it never be enough…for me to never be enough and for him to never really care for me…and after years of feeling like I’d never be enough for anyone
I was completely worn out. I was exhausted. I was empty. I was tired. I was done.
I had hit a whole new rock bottom.
Shortly after reaching this new place of complete and utter emptiness and realizing that I had absolutely nothing left…
God struck me with this quote..
When there is nothing left but God that is when you find out that God is all you need
That’s when it hit..I had nothing left. I had nothing left to give, I had nothing left in me after all life, the mistakes, and the men had taken. After everything of myself I had just gave away… I had nothing.
That’s when I realized I didn’t need anything.
All I needed was God
That was it..so simple.
Just Jesus.
In retrospect I see that not only was my self destructive behavior a method of coping; what I used to feel better or escape the reality that had become my life… but they were also feeble attempts to fill the void.
You know the void.
That place in your heart that is so empty it hurts. So in a poor attempt to fill the void we fill our hearts with lies and our lives with idols.
Just remember that regardless of the world leads you to believe God truly is all you need…
That truth that God is all I need I still rely on-on a daily basis
Like now when I’m struggling in my faith.
I know that while I may not understand what God is doing right now or even where He is that He is all I need.
That if I just hold fast to Jesus He will see me through this season of my life like He has on so many other occasions.
Something that I’ve struggled a lot with and still do as I’m sure you could recognize in my story are lies.
The lie that said I wasn’t good enough held me captive from pursing God..from knowing that I He was choosing me..that I was in fact enough.
The lie that said nobody would ever love me still makes it hard for me to fully understand and walk in the love our Heavenly Father has for us..
..I know I struggle with lies Satan weaves in my heart…I know I’m not the only one.
SO we are going to play a little game called two truths and lie.
Lie: My sin is to much.
TRUTH: Nothing is to much for God, and in Him we are new creations, we are made pure, new and blameless in Jesus’ image.
Ephesians 1:7 says “I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the blood.”
Ephesians 1:4 says “I am Holy and without blame before God.”
Lie: I am to weak to resist temptation.
TRUTH: That’s a barrel of crap..we have any and all the strength we need in Christ. We may not be strong enough sometimes, but in Christ we are given His strength which has no limitations..not even to temptation.
Ephesians 6:10 says “I am strong in the Lord”
Colossians 2:7 says “I am firmly rooted, built up, strengthen in faith and overflowing with thankfulness”
Lie: I will never be fully healed.
TRUTH: God works all things good according to the will of those who love Him, so as His children whom he adores He can and WILL take the darkness of our past and present and turn it into the brightest light you’ve ever seen!
1 Peter 2:24 says “I am healed by the wounds of Jesus.”
Revelation 21:7 says “I am victorious!”
Lie: Nobody loves me!
TRUTH: Ok this one is a BIG fat lie. God loves you, God loves you so much that while you were busy sinning He gave you the ultimate gift in the crucifixion of His son…all to reclaim YOU as His pure, blameless and beloved Child…I’d say that’s some pretty serious love..
Jeremiah 31:3 says “I am loved with an everlasting love.”
1 Thessalonians 1:4 says “I am beloved of God”
Lie: I will never change or be good enough.
TRUTH: We aren’t just good, we are great because we are made in Christ’s image and through Jesus and His death for our sins we are new creations.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says “I am a new creation”
Colossians 2:10 says “I am complete in Christ”
These just aren’t my truths…these are your truths too.
And lastly its my also my hope and prayer that next time your fighting the lies and you are struggling to have faith that you will remember that your not fighting alone. That your Heavenly Father is fighting with you and for you and He has already won the battle.
