Servitude at its finest..or maybe not

I have been sitting at my computer off and on for the past three days trying to write a blog that could capture even a glimpse of my emotions this past week. It has been so beautiful and wonderful being here but its also been one of the hardest weeks of my life.

It was amazing being back with my squad and team, doing praise and worship with them again was glorious, I had no idea how thirsty I was for the Spirit until I got here and experienced Him like a tidal wave. Unfortunately as quickly as that wave came, it left again and there I was spiritually and physically drained and dehydrated.

I feel like this week has been a huge power struggle though, one of many I’m sure I will have, between who I am and who God is growing me be. Shortly after arriving here there was something, there was someone wearing on my heart. I felt God asking me to let go of that relationship. It really started to sink in during the teachings during launch, between Allison talking about limited baggage to Michael Hindes talking about the willingness to change, the reality that part of this mission trip, part of the World Race is living the life of abandonment and servitude really started to hit hard. Being here is about being willing to give up anything, everything and ANYONE to follow Jesus. Which I’ve been truly excited about, the one problem is there was one person I wasn’t willing to give up. And I realized if I continued fighting to hold on I was going to miss everything the Lord was going to teach me this year.

After a few days of constant confirmation and fighting like no other to hold on I reluctantly let go. In this moment it is still a little bittersweet, I’m still heart broken yet I feel I made the right choice, however there are days or moments in days where I’m not quite so sure..

Sunday was one of those day, we had some free time out and got the chance to go to the city and then a college final four basketball game, for those of you who know me you know that sports are my love language, so it goes without saying I was ecstatic. Starbucks, shopping, pizza and basketball- in my book it doesn’t get much better then that. Unfortunately the day wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I’ll save you all the gory details and we’ll skip to the end and the lesson learned or lessons learned in this case.

As I sat on the back of a Jeepney crying…dogging our way through traffic while breathing diesel saturated “air” God spoke some truths to me, and to be truthful they weren’t what I wanted to hear. When I initially heard what he was trying to tell me I promptly plugged my ears and went “la la la”.

I was already so mad at Him, He had called me here, a bazillion miles from home, to a place that I’m pretty sure gets hotter then hell is at times, He made me give up one of the most important person in my life, He had me give up everything else that was important to me, He put me on a team of women who I was fairly certain at that moment hated me and to top it off I felt like there was absolutely no reason for me to be here. Then to add insult to injury I felt very inadequate and spiritually void compared to everyone else here…needless to say I was a wreck, and totally doing nothing but blaming God for my shortcomings and lack of faith in Him.

Finally I humbled myself enough to open my heart and ears to what He was saying. Honestly the first thing I heard was that I was being a big brat and I should just shut up and praise Him, I also heard Him remind me that this it’s not all about me, that I need to look beyond myself and my needs. I heard Him remind that I need to truly trust Him, that He does love me and He does know what is best and that He has called me to be here. He has called me to be an extension of Himself, to follow in Jesus footsteps and that sitting in the back of a Jeepney crying and yelling at God is not what being like Jesus and serving Him looks like and that if I am going to follow in Jesus’ footsteps I need to do so also in attitude, in replacing a heart of stone with one of flesh, in my actions, in my words to others, in my relationship with God, in my prayer life and in every other conceivable aspect of my life. I wasn’t doing that though, I thought coming here was enough, I followed Him here physically but I then realized that wasn’t enough, I need to follow Him spiritually and emotionally too, that I need to follow Him in any and all ways.

Here I am in a community where needs are greater then can be imagined, where children go without food on a regular basis and homes are constructed out of wood scraps, sheets and cardboard. And there I was so focused on my self not even thinking about God, about the community I’m serving, about my team. There I was ruining this amazing adventure for myself and my team by being a big brat. This amazing adventure that was truly a gift from God in which I repaid Him by telling him I didn’t like Him anymore (very mature, yes I know). And the more I’ve been thinking about it the worse I feel. He sent me here on His behalf, and honesty I am so blessed that He has called me to this adventure for very few people get the opportunity to experience what we will be experiencing throughout this year.

Before coming here I made a commit to myself, and to God that this year is not about me, its not about anyone else or anything else, its about Him and letting Him lead me where He wants me to go, it’s about letting go off ALL my baggage, all my fears, all my insecurities and learning to be His faithful servant, not only for this year, but for the rest of my life..its about expanding the kingdom for His glory, not mine.