The past few weeks I’ve been holding on to this quote, I don’t know if it’s the sheer simplicity or the truth ringing from it but at this moment that little quote means everything to me, as I’ve been struggling for years with my relationship with God, or lack of a relationship.
In the past I had a relationship with the Lord, it was brief but little did I know at the time life changing. Almost as quickly as I had found God I lost him again. I don’t know if it was my own stubbornness and fear. I have the tendency get scared I’ll fail and be disappointed and run away before I find out I’m not good enough. Or perhaps I saw God’s love and it was so strong and powerful it terrified me. Maybe it was just that I wasn’t strong enough in my relationship with the Lord to hold on through the hurricane that started ripping through my life at the time, maybe it was a mix of all those things I don’t know, all I know is that at some point I let go and became lost in the mess that had become my life. It wasn’t until now that I realize, even though at the time I thought I was without him, I had abandoned him and pushed him to the wayside; that regardless of my actions he was still with me. There were quite a few times during a span of a few years -during my “hurricane”- during a time when I was tired, worn, lost and lonely, I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried everything I could think of to hide from myself. I tried everything I could think of to numb the pain, anything self destructive one could do, I did..but eventually even all those things weren’t enough. So I decided I was done, I wanted out. I was going to silence the pain if it was the last thing I did and being blinded by all the anger and hurt simply ending my life was the only conclusion I could come to. I tried relentlessly on more then one occasion but could never quite get it right, baffled and pissed and wanting nothing more then to not to feel anymore. However every time there was always this little whisper deep down in my heart that held on to some hope. Hope I now see I acquired during my previously short stint as a Christian. Actually I believe now it was more then just hope, it was God speaking to me. At the time I was to hurt and stubborn to hear him. However I eventually I heard the hope loud enough, I heard God, and held on for dear life. Slowly but surely the hurricane of my life reduced down to strong winds and stormy conditions; life wasn’t exactly great but it was manageable as long as I had my self destructive habits to cope. Even though I was holding on to the tiny seed of hope I was still lost, just sort of going through the motions of something that resembled a life, but never quite fulfilling, never truly happy. Knowing the Lord again is something I’ve known I’ve needed for years; since I heard the hope, but actually pursing God and being willing to give my life to him is a completely different story. Over the past year or so or more recently the past few months its something I would feebly attempt from time to time, something I kept telling myself I was going to do, until God eventually wore me down, until I had nothing left to hid behind, until it was just me and Jesus and I realized it was Jesus or bust. I’ve never been so desperate for anything in my life as I was to know the Lord and walk with him, to be his beloved and to trust him with my heart, all of my heart and soul, my life and all of me forever. My relationship with God is still a struggle for me, as it’s always been, but each day and every prayer I pray I can feel God replacing my fear, confusion, and doubt with His love, grace and mercies. My walk with God has only begun, and there is still a long road ahead, but knowing I have God’s unfailing and everlasting love and that the Lord is walking this walk and fighting this battle and every other battle with me makes it all worth while. It’s kind of funny how its takes years of your life, countless wrong choices, and more pain and emptiness in your heart and soul then you’d ever like to admit to to see something you knew all along. I don’t want to imagine where’d I’d be or what my life would look life if I hadn’t heard God..if I hadn’t heard the hope, but I thank the Lord every day that I did and that he’s been here to guide me during my pursuit in knowing him. I pray that for any of you that can relate to my story, that can relate to the emptiness in your heart and soul-you know that void that only God can fill- that you look to the Lord. I pray that you look to Him for guidance and fulfillment- that you look to Him and Him only for answers -as I’ve learned the hard way- everything else that feels fulfilling in life is only a temporary fix, any answers that aren’t God’s are a waste of your time. God is the only one who truly knows you, all of you and loves you without condition. His love is everlasting. His love is always perfect, always true and there is always great abundance for YOU! 🙂
