Often, when I get back from a trip like I just had, I hear the response "wow, I am glad you had a good time and all, but I could never do that. I wouldnt be brave enough or strong enough. I couldnt be a missionary" Well, I am not brave enough, NOR am I strong enough either…but thankfully, My GOD is.
"RE entry" or "reverse culture shock" (as some call it) has been a struggle for this time. No, this is not my first international missions trip. In fact, this would be missions trip number 5…so the fact that I am struggling with it and trying to "make sense" of it-is just plain odd and even a little weird for me.
I have realized a few things though since being back these last few days. First, I just gotta say that I truely believe that I have the best Squad ever and that God totally wove us together in the way He has to build us up, encourage each other, challenge and to bless each other. This is not a new realization for me, as I knew right when I joined, that R squad is something special, but since I have been back-their love and support has been incredible and I have been so blessed by them as I work through and process this trip.
Usually, I am not a 'crier", I never have been-especially not in front of people. If there is a tough situation that comes up, I will 'deal with it' as needed and then, once I am alone by myself, work it through my own brain and try to make sense of it. On this last trip, after the experience I had with Little Nikki, I was a complete wreck-totally in tears and I knew that God had totally broken me and my heart (though I was praying that He would "break my heart for what breaks His" and He totally answered that..gotta love answered prayer!)
What I've learned from that experience, actually shocks and scares me a little to be totally honest. I knew/know that loving kids, is easy. That part isn't new for me as I found that out early on different mission trips…what was new for me now, is that not only can I/do I love intensely, but I found out that I can HATE (yes HATE) just as intensely. This fact, scares me. I did not think I had this level of hate in me.
Also, there was a point later in the day after nikki had left, where, as a team-we prayed and people led out in praise and worship songs. Someone started the song "Mighty to save" and when the lines were sung
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations"
I got up and left the room. I just could not sit there and praise God. I could not worship HIM in that moment. This too, was a scary revelation for me.
SO..who am I?
I am broken.
I am a mess.
I am forgiven.
I AM LOVED.
I am a missionary to the nations for a GOD who loves me greater than I will EVER know..despite my brokenness and messy life. I am forgiven and I am HIS daughter and no matter what, He is in control and HE is leading my life each and every day.
For that…I stand amazed and can not do anything, but lift my hands up in worship to the KING
