It has been just under a month since I have been home from the World Race, yet some day’s it has felt JUST LIKE THE WORLD RACE. It has been a month with crazy ‘ups’ and ‘downs’. A month of moving around, changing and adapting. A month where I really do not know what lies ahead. It has been a month where I have felt (and seen) God move in my own life, and in the lives of those around me. Time and time again, God has brought me to my knees in a Holy, Devoted Surrender to Him even through the struggles and the pain.
One of the things God made (more) known to me on the World Race, is to constantly be aware of His Holy Presence. He taught me to begin realizing (and acknowledging) those ‘nudging’s or ‘feelings’ that Believers get (whether they realize it or not) as a call from the Holy Spirit within us encouraging and giving us what we need to daily be Jesus’ hands and feet no matter where we are.
Especially if we are within the walls of a church.
I woke up this past Sunday, with no desire to attend my church’s picnic in the park, their ball game against another church, or a dessert fundraiser in the evening. In fact, I simply had no desire to even open and read my bible. The ‘fire’ lit within me over the last 11 months, had gone out.
Or so I thought.
Being a ‘good Christian’ and fulfilling my ‘Christian duties’ I told myself to ‘get over it’ and put on the mask (lie) that we have all put on time and time again. The mask lie that says to others, “I am good” when in reality, we are a complete mess inside and at any moment, you feel as though you may break down and cry. I made it through the church service, ball game and almost the dessert night in one piece.
When I got to the church that evening, I knew in my heart that something was going to happen that evening within me. I didn’t know, that seeing photos and hearing stories of my ‘kids’ in Zambia on their OWN recent missions trip to Thailand, would only be the tip of the many emotions within me that evening. Having visited my ‘kids’ twice before in Zambia, and now (through the Race) having been to Thailand, I could relate 1000 times better to the Thai people in the photos, as well as the Zambian kids. Thailand was a month on my trip, that God used to break me in a way I never thought possible, the same (but different) way He had during my second trip to Zambia. Now here it was, my two ‘worlds’ colliding together as one. It was in this moment, where I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to stand up, grab the mic and be honest before my home church and to pray for the work of Seeds of Hope.
I fought it.
The inner battle that went on inside me, for the next hour or so, is hard to explain. At times, I could feel the evil winning and I found myself asking, “God where are you?” In the end, I realized that it’s so easy for me to stand before any other church worldwide and proclaim boldly, God’s love for them. Yet when it came to my own church, I couldn’t. Fear grasped me.God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but of LOVE, discipline and a sound mind. Enough was enough and I knew I had to stand up. As I approached the mic, I was shaking and trembling, further confirmation for me that that is what God was calling me to do.
I was honest. I spoke the words the Holy Spirit gave me and, at the end, asked those before me to come up and pray for God to continue to work through Seeds of Hope. I expected everyone to get up and move forward to lay hands on the speaker/director. Yet only a few moved, the few that had been to Zambia with me before. I was shocked. I was hurt and I was simply MAD at the church body before me. I wanted to shout, “Is it really so hard to get up off the seats in your own church and simply LAY HANDS AND PRAY?” Had I asked this of my squad, or locals I met on the World Race, the response would have been incredible, yet here it was nothing but cold eyes staring back at me.
In this moment, God allowed me a look into the supernatural battle going on within the walls of the North American church, into the walls of my OWN CHURCH. The fire and passion for God I had experienced in EVERY international church I was a part of within the last year, ceased to exist in the eyes before me and I could feel my heart being broken for my own Nation, my own church.
I am still trying to figure out what God is calling me to do and how to respond to the spiritual battle happening here and now. One thing is clear, although I thought the race was ‘over’, until we hear the words “well done good and faithful servant” the race ISN’T over. Nor will it be until that glorious day.
To the International church body, join me in praying for the North American (Canadian) church. The battle is intense and we have a long way to go, but I know we can do it. Day by day, moment by moment with Jesus.
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My summer plans of taking an intensive TESOL (Teaching English as a second language) course has also since fallen through (another blog on that to come). Join me in personally praying for God’s calling upon my own life. I know that when He shuts a door, He also opens a Window.
