I've been home (back in Canada) for just over 24 hours now and already, this trip is 'hitting me' in a way that the last trip that I was on to Zambia..never did. On one hand, it is extremely scary for me and on the other; totally comfortable and reassuring.
Usually, I find that when I write or journal my thoughts, it helps me to process and figure things out. Honestly right now, I having a hard time trying to figure out what to write and how to say what is on my heart and what is going through me right now. That is part of the reason why it is scary. I know it takes time when you get back from any long or short, term mission trip to readjust and figure yourself out. This I do know from returning from other missions trips that I have been on. I have broken down (aka cried) more on this last trip to Zambia (while there, and now since I have been home) then I ever have before on trips.
One thing that I have found, when coming back from Africa especially, the smallest things/comments- 'set me off'. For example: after getting picked up at the airport yesterday, we went to a local mall to pick up a few things from a store that was having a major sale (hey, us Canadians gotta try to somewhat keep up with American Black Friday!). Now I am not a huge shopper to begin with, but being in a mall was the LAST place I wanted to be. Christmas is a month away and so, with that, the consumer market knows how to market. I was blown away at the material things/possessions our North American society has. I have always known this, but to be in a large sized mall, with people spending money on useless things left right and centre, after having just come back from a place where people are literally struggling to survive each and every day, a place where kids are dying left, right and centre because of malnutrition-did not (does not) sit well with me at all. I was angry at anyone in particular…just at our society as a whole. I also realize, that until one goes out on a missions trip, they will and cannot understand what it is like to come back. I need to remember this and not 'lash out' on things or people when they dont know better. The only thing that I can do, is double check my attitude, my shopping habits, my feelings.
To be completely raw and honest- I had a moment (ok so it lasted longer then a moment) this evening where again, completely broke down. I felt a little like how David must of felt the many times that he cried out to God in the Psalms when he didn't understand what was going on. I still do not get what is going on, or how this change in my heart is going to affect the rest of my life, because I know that somehow, someway, it will. After knowing what I just came back from, what I saw and experienced; I feel pretty useless sitting here, in a warm, safe house with a full tummy after a great morning and afternoon of church and re connecting with family and friends,-knowing that the compound kids I met just last week are going to bed hungry, wet and feeling unloved, breaks me all over again. I can't do anything for those kids, but to pray for them. To trust that GOd is there with them each and every step of the way. God is still good and He too, hears our prayers. I sent off a few messages to fellow R squad racers just asking for prayer and slowly, I could feel myself getting better. God heard my pleas, as well as the others and he answered them. Thank you to my amazing squad and even morning AMAZING God!
Basically, I am just asking for prayer. Even if you do not know me; pray that God will speak in and through me as I share about my time in Zambia with those around me, and while I just try to make sense of it and process these feelings going on inside of me.
Also, I am lookig for any helpful piece of information that make sense. I know of lot of you, can relate to what I am going through and feeling-for I know that the race is similar (if not harder still because of its length) so yah, anything you got-just leave a comment as I would love to touch base with you!
God is good. all the time God is good
