I’ve officially been home for 10 days and I still have yet to figure out how to put Training Camp into words. I’m sitting at a local coffee shop creeping Facebook, avoiding writing, when I open my mess of a journal and see, “You’re free!”; I’m sure I doodled it during what seemed like our 100th session when my brain was fried and emotions drained.
Thinking to myself, “that cannot be what I’m supposed to write about, it’s going to sound like every other “typical church camp” story, Broken Vessels by Hillsong starts playing in my ears:
All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I’ve been set free
I’ve been set free..
I literally laughed out loud and said to myself, “Whelp, I guess that IS what I’m writing about.”
//
I haven’t always been the easiest person to get along with. I’ve walked around with a chip on my shoulder because I have never been able to show people just how weak and fragile I am.
My dad passed away when I was eight, and my mom remarried shortly after. Family dynamics changed because we had a new family, but even further, family dynamics changed because he was a very angry person. Starting at age 14 up until a few months ago, verbal and emotional abuse was almost an everyday occurrence. I never knew what was going to cause the outbursts, so walking on eggshells became a daily routine.
Around 16, I started to resent not only him and my mom, but God. He was supposed to protect me, He was supposed to protect my sister, but He didn’t, so why should I run to him. At this point I started to only look out for myself, I started yelling back, sticking up for myself, and rebelling in your typical sixteen year old fashion.
However, this rebellion lasted well into my twenties.
Fast forward back to Training camp to one of our first sessions, “Forgiveness! It can change the world, it can set you free!”
Again, I literally laughed out loud.
Of course this is going to be one of the topics, of course this is going to brought up before I even get to know these people surrounding me.
So I start taking notes on everything I had heard before either at church, or in a book, or by my counselor, but as Bill Swan, the director of Adventures in Missions, is talking I’m actually starting to understand what they were all saying.
At one point he states, “in order to forgive, we have to experience the pain of the offensive.” Why would I want to experience the pain again? Why would I want to relive every word of abuse thrown my way? The pain has been stuffed away for so long, sometimes I would forget it was there.
Continuing on, Bill goes through the steps on how to forgive those who have done us wrong and four statements we can say to them:
- Get connected to God’s forgiveness
- Make the choice to forgive
- Stop asking, “what if they get away with it again?”
- Offer forgiveness for the level of the offense
- Pray blessing for the people that hurt you
He then has us sit in silence and ask ourselves if there is anyone in our lives we need to forgive, and if so, we need to visual looking them in the eyes and repeating these statements to them.
I didn’t have to ask myself at all. My head immediately hangs in my hands and I begin weeping. I need to forgive so many people who have wronged me throughout my life, my stepdad, my mom, God, this list could go on.
I’m exhausted, I’m confused, and my heart hurts. I’m crying out to God to show me where he’s at. I’m screaming for the ability to forgive, I’m desperately wanting to shed the anger, but I hear nothing.
While I’m sitting there sobbing, a squadmate of mine, who will actually become my team leader later on in camp, asks if she could pray for me. “Of course!” I could take any extra words of encouragement at this point. As she begins to speak it’s like she’s inside my head. She is talking about everything I have been struggling with and everything I need to hear. When she’s finish my head hangs again.
At this point, I start visualizing myself telling everyone I forgive them, I’m choosing this day to no longer live in reaction to what they have done to me, I’m releasing them from the prison of my unforgiveness, when out of nowhere, I see myself standing in front of me.
How can I forgive myself for everything I’ve done in my life; some days I can’t bear to look in the mirror. So I just sit there and stare, I don’t have the strength to say anything, but in that moment I see Jesus take my hand and say, you’re free.
Forgiving myself is still a daily occurrence, but Matthew 18: 21-22 NLV says Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Forgiving myself for the way I’ve lived has never been something I thought I needed to do. I was always so consumed with placing the blame on everyone else I forgot to take a step back and reevaluate myself.
So what is it you’re afraid of hearing? Do you need to take a step back and listen?
“Sometimes we complain to God so loud that we can’t hear him speaking.” – Cory Vance
