As I sit here in the Atlanta airport for the second time in a week, I’m reflecting back on the last week.
Due to my grandmothers death last week, I came back to Tennessee for her funeral and to grieve with my family. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made…mostly because I was being stubborn. Before I left for the race I had said my goodbyes to my grandma because she was not in the best health and I knew the chances of her passing before I returned were quiet high. I had a big heart to heart with my dad before I left in August, about the possibility of her passing and he said it would be okay with him if I didn’t come home from the race. I had it in my mind that I wouldn’t leave the race for any amount of time unless it was a BIG emergency or a sudden, unexpected death. This was my plan and I was sticking to it.
But as we all know, the Lord always has a perfect and better plan.
So about two weeks ago my dad told me my grandma was getting really sick and it didn’t look like things were going to turn around for the good. I started getting REALLY home sick and just wanted to give my mom and dad a big hug. I didn’t really want the ‘normal’ comforts of home…I wanted the comfort of being with family and friends.
I had this HUGE back and forth in my head between me and God. Obviously, I wanted to go home and be with my family. I wanted to hug my mom and dad. I wanted to grieve the way I thought you were supposed to. I wanted to go to her funeral. I wanted everyone to ask me how the race was going.
But…
I also wanted to teach my Honduran babies. I didn’t want to let my teammates down. I didn’t want to go home just because I wanted to be there. I wanted to stay on the race because ‘ I am strong enough!’
I’ve learned that…yes I am strong, even stronger than I thought I was, but I am still a human and I am never going to be strong enough to do this race or this life alone. I am so thankful that the Lord doesn’t leave us to our own strength.
So when the phone call came that she had passed away…I was also told my plane was leaving Wednesday morning.
My mom had already booked everything…I didn’t have to pull the trigger. She pulled it for me. I was so relieved. I knew my choice would have been to go home anyways, but not having to say ‘I NEED to come home.’ was a relief. At that moment I just wanted to be home. I wanted to hug my family and grieve in the States…not in Honduras.
So I left.
Coming back to the USA after being gone for 2 and a half months is REALLY weird. Things in the States have changed a little but for the most part, it’s the same. But I most definitely am not the same person coming back. I have experienced a lot in the last two and a half months. My intimacy with the Lord is on a whole new level. I have lived the last few months doing nothing but growing in intimacy with the Lord, living in community, and doing mission work. I have absolutely loved every minute of it…even the hard and messy parts. So coming back and sharing all that was awesome. People were so amazed and excited about all the stories I had about what the Lord was doing. It was exactly what I pictured it would be like coming back…except it was only a week and SUPER BUSY.
I went to visitations and the funeral. I spent time with family from out of town and family who live in town. I went on lunch dates and had sleepovers. I played with my niece and helped her get ready for trick or treating. I went to a Halloween party with a bible study group I used to go to. I went shopping for some new clothes and items to take back. Long story short…I didn’t slow down. I made myself busy…just like I used to do before the Race. I didn’t take the time to slow down and really spend time with just me and the Lord!
That was my biggest fear of coming back home after the race. I thought that I would stop my morning dates with the Lord. I thought I would stop being grateful for all the things He has blessed me with. I thought I would surround myself with my comfortable things and people and forget about how much I grow when I am uncomfortable.
All of these in some way happened this week. I still had dates with the Lord…but not everyday. I still looked around at all that was going on around me and was very grateful…but not as often as I do when I’m on the race. I did surround myself with comfortable people and things and didn’t put in much effort to grow this week.
I am telling you this because I want to be open and vulnerable with y’all. The World Race isn’t easy but I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. This week has been incredible and I don’t regret coming home. But I am writing this blog to tell y’all that when I come home in 8 months I really won’t be the same. I will have even more testimonies to share, I will be even closer to the Lord, and I will never be comfortable again. I will still have the same joy and the same chubby cheeks…but you all will be amazed at all the Lord has done in my life. You will see how much love I have for missions and you will see how much I grew from living in community with people for a whole 11 months!
I know I have a lot more growing to do and I am so excited to come back home in 8 more months and share all the new thingA I’ve learned and grown in!
Blessings,
Niki
