I wanted to share with you that Niki and I both have good days and bad days on this journey we call the World Race. ?
Let’s start with what a Good Day looks like.
These are the days that everything seems right. Niki is peppy when talking to me, smiling and not really paying attention to what I am even saying. She is excited about what’s happening there. (Where ever “there” might be that month) and although it hurts sometimes, she is totally not connecting. She has her mind on what’s happening around her and her communication is just a duty, a check in, to mark off the box that she called me. Although I appreciate those calls, it feels like she is slipping further away from me and home and LOL that might sound like me whining and being selfish but in all reality those really are the good days. To me that means she is adjusting and loving her time there and not so focused on what she is missing or who she is not seeing here. Those calls are the ones that make you feel proud that she is adjusting so well without you although as the Mama that I am it still hurts sometimes. It means that she is focused on the LORD and the path he has her on right now so for me those are the good days.
Bad Days:?Not every day is a bad day but when they are bad they are bad. Those are the days that I cling to the LORD for every thought that enters my head and heart. At times I don’t think of Niki being half way around the world, I think she is just an hour away in college.
During her college days I adjusted to not always knowing where she was every second, I was able to adjust to not knowing if she was eating enough, if she was sleeping well, if she was wearing unwrinkled clothes or even clean clothes. Having her off to college was the prep work for what I feel now. Seeing her survive the apartment life away from me as a grown woman sincerely helped but it also hurt in some ways.
I mean I’m not going to lie, there were times she would call and say, “Hey I am calling you because there is a weird man staring at me or hey I am meeting someone off the yard sale page and I’m talking to you to make sure they don’t kill me.” Yes these are true conversations. Then I think of the times that she called and was in her hysterical, mad voice and say “Mom I’m lost or Mom some idiot almost ran me off the road or Mom there are weird people moving in our apartment complex.” I have to say those were the conversations that you put on the Mama voice and question their ability to survive. It goes to the talks when she was a little girl that went like this “What do you do if a stranger tries to get you? You make yourself dead weight, lie on the floor, make it hard for them to lift you and fight with all your might. Now show me how you would do this?” Yes true conversations in our home on a regular basis people and then there is the normal “Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t drive in that area; it’s a bad part of town, etc.”
The list goes on and on but this week I got the “hair on my neck standing out call” that said “Mom we were robbed by a man with a machete”. Really? How do you process this as a Mama?? How do you try to stay calm on the phone with her without having a total Oh my heart Mama melt down? Then you hear her being all non-chalant “Mom this could happen there? I could be robbed there” And the Mama in my heart and head says “But not with a machete!” I try to stay calm and not let her know all of my emotions. The emotions of I want to hug you. Come home now! I want to hold you and rock you and tell you there are bad people in this world and I am here to always, always protect you. I want to be there on that trail with you and take the swing of a machete because I love you so much. Then I want to be mad about why were you even there and did you know if it was a safe place and honey not everyone in the world is as good as you.
I will admit that I did make her take her phone and prove that every limb of her body was still attached. Hey I’m a Mom I can ask for proof. I really just sat there in shock and tried to be non-emotional and strong because I thought that was what she wanted. I have to tell you all that I am not that strong. I am only strong through Christ that strengthens me. I know that He is faithful and will strengthen and protect me. (John 17:11) He promised it more than once in his word. Psalms 18:32 even states that he will protect and strengthen me WHEREVER I go. So to put this in a different perspective, I am thankful.
I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness for protection. I also realize that there are going to be good days for me where I need to be there to lift Niki up and there are going to be good days for Niki where she is going to have to lift me up and yes there are going to be bad days where we both just need to cry. We are both learning to survive without each other through this crazy journey so I want to again Thank You for taking this journey with us. Your prayers, your thoughts and your hugs mean so much.
Debbie (Niki’s Mom)
