One of the biggest thing God’s teaching me this month is the importance of grace.
Grace because Nepal is a hard country for me to love. It’s uncomfortable. I take icy cold showers and plan my schedule around the power going out three times a day. The streets are loud and dirty and chaotic. There’s no such thing as a proper crosswalk—you just cross the streets and hope the bikes and cars will stop for you. I can’t leave the apartment alone or without having to clutch my things tightly to my body.
Grace because it’s so difficult living in community. Don’t get me wrong—the women I get to do ministry with every day are amazing, and I want to be more like them. But I am what some may consider a super-introvert. On the World Race we talk a lot about being introverted versus being extroverted, and to be honest I’m tired of thinking about it and using it as an excuse sometimes. But at the same time, there’s no doubt I require more alone time and more personal space than most other people. And on the race, that’s almost impossible to have. I’m learning how to take care of myself and how to have balance so I can give more of myself to others. But I haven’t quite found that balance yet, and it’s exhausting. I get moody and I am not always an easy person to live with. And in realizing how much I need grace, I realize how important it is for me to also extend grace to others.
Grace because it’s hard for me to love myself. Just last night I sat in an empty room with my sweet, wise friend Sarah Kate. I told her my frustration for having a glimpse of the woman I want to be, but seeing how far I fall short of that. For wishing I felt more secure in my identity in Christ, and tired of constantly seeking others’ approval and praise. For wanting more wisdom, more patience, more self-discipline, more kindness and deeper love for others, but feeling so empty. And she said the most healing words a person can say: “Niki, I get it.” I am a work in progress, and I’m learning not to waste time feeling guilty for my shortcomings, but to take them to God in acknowledgement that I need Him all the more. Just as God has grace for me, I need to have grace and compassion for myself. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about resting in the fact that the Lord is perfect, and He never gives up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
I’m thankful for the discomfort of this month–physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’m thankful I’m learning to love the hard things. No doubt there has also been so much goodness, so much to celebrate in the two weeks we’ve been here in Nepal. It would be easy for me to only dwell on the negativity and be blind to the beauty. But more than anything, I want to love like my Father does. I want to see beauty and possibility in the broken places. And that means choosing to love and have extra grace for this country, the people around me, and myself.
