It’s been one year since arriving back in the States from an incredible, life changing journey with God around the world. I was going through my normal nightly routine, working on something for school and lesson planning and watching TV, I felt the urge to sit down and process this past year. Honestly the immediate response was “I’ll do it later”. Like it is for everything I need to get done. But I decided that I should probably stop and process. Y’all, sometimes, I’m stubborn with God but this was definitely from Him. As I was journaling, I felt a gut wrenching feeling that I needed to share what I wrote. I don’t know with who, whether that is with someone on my F-squad family, or a racer just coming off the field, or a complete stranger. To whomever this post is for you. My raw vulnerable, tear stained pages of my journal……
ONE YEAR LATER
This is not what I expected for this year. Not how I wanted it to go, but in a funny way it was God’s way. And I failed. I failed to hold on to Him. I failed to trust Him above all else. I feel disgusted with myself on how this year went. I didn’t make changes where I needed, physically, emotionally or spiritually. Everything that happened on the Race was thrown out the door. Why? because I let FEAR control my life.
- Fear of the unknown
- Fear of trying.
- Fear of failing.
- Fear of disapproval.
- Fear of letting go.
- Fear of being loved.
- Fear of speaking up.
- Fear of the truth.
- Fear of who I’ve become.
- Fear of CHANGE.
America is a scary place and the only one who isn’t scary is God. A God who loves unconditionally. A God who protects and guards you above all else. A God who pursues even when you stray. Why can’t I rely only one Him and nothing else? Why is it so hard? Because it all comes down to FEAR and the control it has over my life. And the thing that sucks the most, is that no on knows about the emotional, spiritual, and even physical struggles that I am going through. And if God wasn’t all knowing, He wouldn’t know either cuz I don’t talk to Him.
My last how many journal entries, which aren’t too many, is a repeating pattern of saying that I need to change and grown and spend time with God and give it all to Him, but do i? NOPE. And is this journal entry any different? Honest truth? NOPE. So where does that change begin? Maybe sharing my struggles start a spark? Doubt it. I don’t know….
