If you haven’t read my first blog in this series please click HERE
For those who didn’t read my first blog in my series, here’s a recap. I’m near the end of my World Race experience (7 days left). I decided to give you a ESP check-in (emotionally, spiritually, physically) on how I’ve grown during the race.
This is my spiritual check-in. Essentially spiritual and emotional check-ins go together like peanut butter and jelly.
My faith has grown exponentially on the race. In order for me to share with you about my growth, I must first tell you part of my story.
I grew up in a Christian home. Went to church almost every Sunday. Went to Sunday School. Went to VBS. Went to youth group. Went to a private grade school. Was taught Bible story after Bible story. Memorized Bible verse after Bible verse.
I attended a private Christian college. Majored in Theology, aka the Bible, and Lay Ministry, aka church work. Continued to go to church every Sunday and chapel every day. Routine. Did I pray? Nope. Only a quick prayer before meals, if that. Did I read my Bible? Nope. Only if I had to for class. I planned many a Bible studies, devotions etc for groups. Didn’t I learn for myself? Nope.
I lived a life where people thought I was a good Christian. Someone who was constantly reading the Bible and praying. But I didn’t.
I lived a life of religion. I was Christian because my family was. It was expected of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved God and all the amazing things He did. But it was a one sided relationship. God was loving me well, but I wasn’t loving him unconditionally.
This routine life continued after college, and I even worked in a church. I was constantly sharing God’s love with others and pouring Him into others, but I was not getting filled. I would say I would pray for people and wouldn’t. It looked like I read my Bible every day but didn’t. I apologize to those who may have been affected by this.
And then the World Race was introduced to my life….
One of the first times I truly listened to God was the second week of the race. First, He distinctly told me “I am here” and then He showed me a door and I was standing on one side and He on the other. I was trying to open the door. But could only open it partially to let Him in. I was getting frustrated that there was a barrier between us and it wouldn’t be open. I was furious. And then I realized my foot was in the way of opening it up. I reflected about this image in my journal and I wrote “My foot represents doubt and fear. Doubting God’s full presence that He can speak to me and doubt of me being good enough. How do I move my foot? How do I reflect His image? How do I not doubt His presence? How do I let Him in? How do I pray big prayers. Where do I begin in loving Him more? I want Him. I crave Him.”
Little did I know that this was only the beginning of my new-found relationship with God. Two weeks later, I fully dedicated my life to Christ and his Love for me. Each one of those questions that I was contemplating were answered.
I have learned that with God, it’s not a one-sided relationship. I can’t keep pouring out my love and his love to others when I am not being filled myself. Running on empty leads to sadness, temptation, sin, regret, pain, lies, the perfect time for the enemy to attack. And that was me. I was constantly living on empty. I was living a life of lies and wearing a mask. I was showing people that I was a good Christian, but I wasn’t. I was using God to run from God. Doing his work to give me satisfaction and not him. Creating “God activity” and avoiding spending time with him.
I have learned to be a human “being” and not a human “doing”. Being with God is more important than doing for God. 1 John 4:19 tells us “We love because He first loved us.” I can’t love unless I fully embrace his love for me.
John 15:5-8 was giving to me the night we launched and it’s something I have really come to learn that is very important in our lives. “Whoever abides in me and I in him…for apart from me you can do nothing.” (check out this blog all about it) Abide. Something I have truly enjoyed on the race. Sitting in God’s presence. Reading his Word, praying, reflecting on his power, turning to him for answers. And let me tell you it’s not easy. Sitting still for periods of time, and quieting my mind to hear him speak is hard. But He’s there, He’s always there even when it doesn’t seem like it.
I have learned that throughout my whole life God has pursued me, even when I haven’t known it. When I was questioning what college I wanted to attend, He guided me to it, even when I didn’t pray about it. When I was struggling with my career and knowing what I wanted to do in the future, He guided me in the right direction (the race), even when I didn’t pray about it. And even now, He doesn’t accept the answer no when He tells me his plans for me and the future. And that’s awesome! He loves me so well, He doesn’t let me direct my life, He guides me every step of the way.
And I see that in every day and every single second of my life. I feel more joyful, more passionate, I love people better because of God’s love for me. I have found peace in my heart, a new passion and love all because I have an incredible Lord, Father, King, Savior, that loves me.
My purpose in life is to be loved by God, so I can live a life of overflow.
To know that I am a daughter and that is the end of the story.
Be sure to check out Part 3!
