Wow, I can’t even believe that we are in month 11 and in 2 short weeks I will be back in the states. It feels like just yesterday I boarded the plane to Panama. My first country not only on the race but my first time ever leaving America.
The past couple months on the race have brought me so much freedom and I just want to share a little bit about what God has been doing in me since my last blog where I was in the middle of a huge identity crisis.
This whole year for me has been a lot about breaking down the lies that I’ve believed were truths and then learning how to replace those with what God actually says about me. It hasn’t been easy that’s for sure and I’ve wanted to run away from it so many times but we serve a Papa that’s not afraid of us. So even when my doubts were high and I felt like it wasn’t even something I wanted he continued to pursue me, love me where I was and challenge me to take the next steps.
When I hit African soil nearly 3 months ago, I was so lost and so confused. I was battling depression hard core and honestly I just didn’t feel worthy of being on the race anymore. I mean I’m a missionary going around the world to love on people and share the gospel, but yet I’m battling something that causes me to feel like I can’t even get out of bed in the morning. Something doesn’t add up here and because of it I became angry. For the first time in my life I took all of my emotions out on God.
How can this be your plan? How could you call me to this year if you knew I would struggle so much? How could you let me feel so alone when I’m out here loving people for You? Where are you? Why won’t you just show up and give me answers? Do you even care? I know you love others, but do you really love me?
I was so bitter and angry, but guess what? He met me there. I learned that we don’t serve a God that is afraid of our emotions but that he actually encourages us to share them with him. And even more so, when we do become real and vulnerable with God he meets us there and loves us through it.
In Swaziland, he asked me on a date and for the first time in a while I said yes. I stayed back from ministry, sat under a tree overlooking a beautiful mountain range and let him pour into me. He took me to the secret place that’s meant for just him and I and he spoke into my heart. He spoke life into me and let me take in his presence and the beauty surrounding us. He showed me his love for me and where I can come when I’m happy, tired, sad, hurt, etc. We sat there together, hand in hand, for hours. (The secret place, was something that was foreign to me before the world race so if you don’t understand please ask me, but basically it’s a place where God has designed for you and him where he can pour into you and speak into you… And believe me, it’s real and he has one for you too!)
After that, he took me deeper. He took me to the root of my depression and showed me the fear that I had basically allowed to control my life and also my walk with God. I had let a fear get so deep that I didn’t even recognize it. He showed me that that wasn’t the truth and then prayed over me to help me battle the lie. Yes, I literally saw him praying over me! I was blown away. And since then he has been replacing that lie with the truth and teaching me how to walk out my true identity in Him.
It hasn’t been an easy road, I’ve had to reshape the way I think and process through everything but God has been so good and so faithful to me. He has brought a lot of things into the light and told me who I am.
I am his beloved, I am his daughter, I am the one his soul longs for, and he needs me. He not only wants me but I am a crucial part of his plan.
I am so grateful for our Heavenly Papa, he is such a good daddy. I hope you find encouragement in this and know that God does desire you and you are an important part of his plan. You are necessary and you are the will of God! Believe it!
Love to you all,
Nicole
