“Right now, I thought I’d be married. I thought I’d be picking bridesmaids, walking out of a Mormon temple about to kiss my husband for the first time since being sealed together for eternity, dancing with friends, then redoing a “civil” marriage for all of my family and friends who were not of that faith. I thought I’d be moving to Utah while my husband would be finishing school since I graduated early.
Right now, I am in Nepal. I am on my fifth month of the World Race, I am a full-time missionary for 11 months in 11 different countries, living out of one huge hiking backpack, washing my hair once a week and surviving off eggs and yogurt, and evangelizing to the untouchables, even if it means jail time.
I am watching my friends graduate over Instagram. I am watching people who are important to me get engaged over FaceTime. The life I thought I would have is now slowly fading away. You’d think the minute I ended the relationship to pursue the World Race and Jesus instead of the Mormon faith would have been the absolute end, but it wasn’t. It didn’t feel real. The World Race, in general, doesn’t feel real.
Nepal is a weird month for me. After Nepal, it’s kind of like our halfway mark through the race. You go through many different feeling stages. The first month I was honeymooning, I cried my way through month 2,3,4 from homesickness, now I’m in Month 5 realizing the importance of Nepal to people back home. The home of Mount Everest. The place where my friend wanted to visit more than anything before she passed away. Getting in the car to get to our hostel, I felt peace and I felt chaos. This month I am appreciating the beauty of what I have, missing home, wishing I could share these moments with my late friend, but also wishing time would slow down because I’m scared of going home.
How is it possible to count down every day until my return home date of December 1st, but also be scared to face reality and that I missed out on the opportunity of a life that was safe and comfortable.
What if this isn’t God’s will for me?”
I wrote this during a worship session at Nepal Debrief. I remember sitting on the floor crying, praying for answers, and texting my mom saying “I want to go home” and she responded, “we will support you in anything you do.” I am glad that was her response because that meant the only thing stopping me from going home was God’s will for me. It is hard questioning your place during an experience like this. Where do I fit in? What do I believe? Can I really help these people? Was I meant to be here?
I struggled with these questions for an entire night as I felt I needed to be home, but I told myself, “give it all you’ve got this month and then make a decision”…
I think it is important for people to know that we struggle. Everyone on the team is either struggling, has struggled, or will struggle quite soon. It is hard leaving everything you have known for a year in one bag while you venture on a trip of self-discovery, discipleship, and constant mission work. This month I get to see Mount Everest from a plane in honor of my late friend and I get to go on a four-day trek to spread the gospel. I get to visit a Leper colony and pray over the “unreachables.” To me, they are not unreachables however, just children of the Lord. I will hike many miles in my knock-off Timberlands, I will get to eat at my favorite vegetarian restaurant four times a week, and bond with my sisters in constant worship singing.
God met me in my struggle like He does with all of us. He gives you moments that cause laughter, tears, and happiness. He makes hour-long walks enjoyable by giving you the best sites to look at and he sure created some good food to eat along the way. I may be still struggling with missing home, my friends, my family, and mostly what was comfortable for me, but I know God will continue to meet me where I am at. “He does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.”
