I have been back in the United States for a little over a week. I am still jet lagged, still not feeling great, and still processing. But let’s rewind a little to last month so you will all know WHY I had to come home.
Month 6 in Cambodia started out great. I was absolutely thriving in the ministry, my team had a great dynamic and I was really enjoying getting to know them better, and I was overall just on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual high. I was so thankful and bursting with joy.
Then a bunch of things started happening to my body all at once. About a week and a half into month 6, I stopped being able to sleep. It would take me a few hours to fall asleep and I would also wake up usually about an hour or two after I was able to fall asleep. Most nights, I was getting 4 hours of sleep maximum, minimum of about two hours. This proved very difficult since our ministry was pretty much all day and I was pouring out and caring for kids a lot. This sleep problem lasted the duration of the month, until we had debrief at the end. While I did begin sleeping better at that point, it was partly because I was on prescribed medication for insomnia.
Little things were happening that I think were connected to my nervous system that had also never happened before. I was having blurred vision on and off, occasional slurred speech, and the feeling of electricity running up and down my body. And pain and pressure in my ears (which ended up being a double ear infection). Another thing that happened that is completely unrelated to all these symptoms is that I was having pain when eating or drinking in my lower right jaw. I went to a dentist in Siem Reap and it turns out I have four exposed roots. While all these things were pretty scary and/or irritating, none of them put the idea of going home in my mind, and all of them were issues I figured would resolve themselves.
Then comes the big problem…my heart. about two and a half weeks before I came home, my heart started acting super weird and doing things it has never done before. I have always been a really healthy person and have never had any issues of this sort, so this came as a complete surprise and has been pretty scary at times. Basically, I began having heart palpitations a couple times a day. At this point, my team told me I needed to rest and get my body back on track. This was really hard for me to do as I was thoroughly enjoying the ministry. Anyways, I began to rest. And the palpitations got worse. Within the day or two before I got home to a couple days ago, they were constant…every hour of the day. In addition to these heart palpitations I was also having a dull pain/pressure in the center of my chest and adrenaline surges in my chest. Since I have been home, these palpitations and adrenaline surges have been waking me up in the middle of the night and making it difficult for me to fall back asleep. However, in the past few days they have mellowed out a little bit.
I have never been the paranoid type. I have also never really been a hypochondriac or gotten sick. Throughout the last six months, I only got sick once, and it was in Da Nang, Vietnam (the most developed city I lived in on the race – aka probably the least likely place to get sick). But with all this happening, I knew something was different and I knew that this was an issue that would not get fixed if I stayed out on the field, continued to pour out, and traveled from country to country.
When I got to debrief, I was considering going home to get my health issues figured out but really didn’t want to…because I absolutely love the World Race. I love the people that I have been doing life with, I love trying new food, I love so many of the different types of ministry I got to participate in, and I love the ways in which the Race has grown me. I began giving it to the Lord. I would sit with Him, alone, and just ask Him to speak to me about what I needed to do. And every single time, He was very clear with me. He told me I needed to go. He told me I needed to get well. He told me I couldn’t serve people in full capacity if my body was breaking down.
I didn’t want to listen to Him. I was mad at Him. I was extremely frustrated and channeled it by downplaying all the things my body was going through. Why would God call me home right now? Why couldn’t He just heal me? Why why why? Honestly, it got to the point where I was pretty whiny with God. But through all the frustration, I still knew His voice. I knew what He was calling me to do and I couldn’t ignore it. I knew if I ignored it I would be going against God’s plan. And here’s the thing, there’s a pretty big chance I will be coming back on the Race, probably near the end of March – if all is well with my heart after seeing doctors. And God has been very clear with me about that too. But it didn’t stop me from whining and being frustrated with Him – even though deep down I knew going home was the right decision at this point.
I am so thankful for all the friends I have on the Race who held me accountable during this time. None of my friends wanted me to go, but they all knew that caring for my body and being obedient to God were the most important things at this point. If I ignored this heart issue and kept pushing, things would have gotten really bad, and I might have had to go home and NOT have had the opportunity to come back out on the Race.
I trust God. I moved past the frustration and listened to His voice and the voice of those who gave me tough love – who told me I needed to go even though it wasn’t what I wanted or what they wanted. And I trust that God is leading me in the right direction – towards healing. I also trust that there is more that God is doing in this season that I am not aware of yet. So I am sitting with open hands and an expectant heart.
Not gonna lie, being home is super hard. Being away from the group of people I have done the last six months of life with feels very lonely. In addition to this, I am in Arizona right now, not Texas. Texas is where I spent the last four years of my life, where I plan to live after the Race, and is the place I feel at home. While I do love Arizona and it is where I grew up, I don’t really have many friends here and would much rather be in Texas.
But again, God is doing something. I trust that in this moment in my life, I am supposed to be in Arizona, even though it is possibly the most mentally difficult place for me to be. I trust Him, and I will continue to trust Him. He is showing up.
I have a lot of prayer requests during this time, but I also have a lot of things to be thankful for. I am thankful for a squad and friends who gave me the tough love I needed in this situation – who didn’t take not listening to God’s voice for an answer. I am thankful that I have had such an incredible experience on the World Race that it is so easy to miss. I am thankful that I am close with my family and have the opportunity to spend time with each of them while I’m in Arizona. I am thankful for the beautiful weather that comes with winter in Arizona and I am thankful that I will be able to see all the doctors I need to see to get this figured out.
I ask for prayers of HEALING – for my heart and any other areas of my body that need it. I ask for prayers for the opportunity to be able to go back out on the Race. I also ask that if that ends up not being God’s plan, that I am okay with it and trust Him. I ask that I am able to continually listen to and be obedient to His voice. I ask for prayers over me being able to continuously trust Him, even though this is not at all what I expected to happen.
Making the decision to come home and heal up was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make – and it is still hard and painful every day. But God never promised that our lives would be easy. In this season, no matter if it ends with me going back out on the Race (which not gonna lie, I want so badly) or in a different way that I don’t know yet, I am going to trust the Lord through it all. I want to stay present during this time, not dwell on the future, and say yes to whatever God has for me when the time comes. But for now, I need to focus on healing and pressing into Him.
