Unfortunately, in our day and age, anything and everything can be made to look perfect and effortless through the lens of social media. The World Race has been no exception to this. I have seen and done some incredible things these past 5.5 months and witnessed God work in astounding ways. But it has also been hard. The photos you see on social media don’t even begin to scratch the surface of what the race has been like, it is a highlight reel. And I am someone who likes to keep it real and honest, so here I go…
These past five and a half months have taken a toll on my mental health in so many ways – all of which have taught me how to better take care of myself. All of which suck in the moment, but ultimately are making me stronger and helping me to have more power over anxiety and panic attacks. I will have days, weeks, and even months where everything is just fine. But then I will have times where I am really struggling and wanting to come home. Today, I am in the midst of one of those struggles.
I want to be honest with whoever is reading this because I believe in the power of prayer. And I need that right now. I have barely slept all month which is taking a huge toll on me physically and mentally. It has caused my anxiety to spike in new ways. But I see a difference now. Before the race, my panic attacks owned me. Now I own them. I am always able to identify what causes them and know what I need to do to let them pass. This doesn’t make the onset of spiraling thoughts and hyperventilating any easier, but it shows me that God has given me the strength and confidence of an overcomer.
Unfortunately, mental health is something that is not payed much attention to in the regions of the world I have spent time in. I have met young men and women in many countries who open up to me about what they have been struggling with – unimaginable things. Things that have taken them down a dark hole. But there is a lot of shame with having these struggles in many cultures – shame surrounding depression. Shame surrounding addiction. Shame surrounding anxiety.
When I come across people who struggle in these ways, I try to speak as much truth into them as I can. It reminds me of how I have been poured into in the midst of my struggles in the past – feeling lonely, like nothing, abandoned – and how much the love and truth of Jesus spoken over me by others really changed me. So I know the best thing I can do is pour into those who are struggling mentally the way I have been poured into. Because God doesn’t want us to feel ashamed – He wants to take our struggles from us and empower us to beat them … we can on His strength.
One of the best ways I have been able to describe anxiety is ….. you can’t describe it. Sometimes you feel things you cannot explain. Sometimes you have a panic attack that affects you physically. Sometimes you’ll go to the doctor because of those physical effects and they’ll say you’re just fine. People don’t believe that anxiety can have physical effects, but it can. It is real. And instead of pushing it under the rug because we may not understand it, we need to gather around those who are struggling and love them as Jesus would.
So yeah, I am currently struggling. Currently, there is nothing I want more than to be back in the United States. But do you know why that’s my default? Because it is comfortable.
The race has taught me countless things about finding comfort in the unusual or new – and in finding comfort in Christ and Christ alone. I don’t need all those little superficial comforts that the States brings me – I need the comfort of Jesus. And that has come in the form of my supportive and loving teammates. It has come in the form of someone bringing me coffee or making me eggs without me even asking. It has come in the form of Esther showing me pictures of dogs she knows I’ll like. And it has come in the form of the smiling children I get to work with every day who I have grown to love so very much.
Sometimes, loving people just comes in the form of listening. I love my team like that, and they love me like that. We have all been struggling with different things recently, but we stand strong because we support each other – even if we may not identify with or understand each other’s struggles. So I encourage you to do the same. Even if you don’t understand what someone is going through – love them. Love them how Jesus leads you to.
So yeah, this journey hasn’t been perfect. Sometimes I feel like a complete mess and wonder how the heck I’m gonna get through another five months. But then I remember how far Jesus has brought me and how much He has changed me since I have been here. I remember that I am surrounded by people who love me, and I remember that I am an overcomer.
The World Race takes a toll on you. Whether it be physical, mental, or spiritual. But it opens doors to open people’s eyes to struggles they may not understand. It opens doors to helping people feel seen who have felt shamed for having mental struggles their whole lives. So I am thankful for these struggles. Not in the moment by any means. But I am thankful for the growth they bring me.
Anxiety is real. Panic attacks are real. They are indescribable. And the main thing I have learned is that Jesus WANTS me to pour into myself too. He wants me to be okay, and He has equipped me.
I am struggling, but I am an OVERCOMER.
