“They” say it takes three weeks to break a habit and three more to form a new one. “They” probably never lived in constant community for 11 months. I’m in the last month of this crazy journey and some days I’m still working on breaking old habits.
Lately, I find myself freaking out about the stupidest things and getting really frustrated with myself. I feel like I’m back to my first month on The Race where everything felt uncomfortable, everything annoyed me and I just wanted to run away.
Tonight I ruined dinner and instead of veggie fried rice it resembled mush because I put too much water in the rice. I felt horrible. My team was understanding and ate some assuring me it wasn’t that bad. Then I tried to do the dishes and the wok was too big for the sink and I spilled dirty water all over my dress. I had to stop myself from screaming obscenities over something so silly.
Earlier this morning I had a minimum of 15 people ask me the same question in a span of 5 minutes. I wanted to pull my hair out.
You get the point. Don’t worry, this blog isn’t all about my complaints because let’s face it; I have no room to complain.
I did a little venting to God. After 11 months shouldn’t I be used to this life? Shouldn’t it be easier than it was Month 1, not harder? I should be used to sharing anything and everything, never having alone time, my clothes being disgusting and what not. But it’s not.
The Misty Edwards song “You Won’t Relent” comes to mind.
“You won’t relent
Until You have it all
My heart is Yours”
My flesh wants so badly to check out. I have at times. I want to quit. Home is so close I can taste it. Some days it’s all I can do to not think of all the things I am going to do when I get there. But God isn’t asking me to think about those things yet.
He’s asking me to keep seeking.
Keep pressing in.
Spending time with him.
To continue ministering.
Cultivate friendships and embrace community.
Even when all I want to do is go home.
He is not relenting. At times I really wish he would. I’m tired. But when I look back on this year and see where He has taken me from I can’t help but be thankful that He has never given up on me. Not for one second.
