I haven’t blogged in some time. In all honestly, I’ve had no desire. I’m currently in Nairobi, Kenya with all of K Squad for debrief.
I’ve tried to be as transparent as possible but it’s tough to sometimes. Especially, when many of you have supported me financially. It feels out of line to whine when I’m experiencing the richness of the world.
But, this year has taught me a lot of walking about walking in truth.
I feel like I can do nothing but focus on my self and it’s driving me crazy. This is one of the reasons I’ve neglected to blog. I felt no right. I’m a far cry from your typical African missionary.
The idea of Africa is adventuresome. The word missionary often conjures up thoughts of Africa. I’ve known several and met countless other men and women who have a heart for this continent. Thank God for them, because this land is rich for harvest. Ministry has been crazy, we did so many different things this month I can hardly remember them all.
We’ve passed the halfway point of the Race and while many of my squad mates are saddened by the thought of only 5 months left my thoughts instead wander to “How am I going to survive 5 more months?”
I’ve written about the freedom I’ve experienced this year in being able to be amongst believers who can be forthright with each other. We have a saying here on The Race, “it’s ok to not be ok.” I’ve experienced breakthroughs by being able to say what I really feel and have people push me to work my crap out.
So put in the simplest terms I know: I’m tired. I’m not ok, but that’s ok, I’ll get there. My brain hurts from this month; it’s been the most difficult thus far. I’ve had so many thoughts. Moments of wanting to scream and cry at the same time. Thoughts of home. Notions of throwing in the towel and coming home. I’m told this is semi-normal at this point of the trip.
I function in a cloud of cynicism. I allow myself to be enveloped by it far too often.
Yet, in the back of my head God is whispering something to me. Right now, it’s awfully ambiguous. But I recall another difficult month for me, my third month in Hungary. It started out unbearably. I was fuming for a good two weeks. I threw myself more pity-parties than I care to admit.
“Hold on,” it whispers, “something is coming.” “Can you send it now?” my heart demands.
We have AIM staff at this debrief, including The World Race director, and they’re doing some teachings along with normal debrief stuff. We haven’t had that since our Awakening conference at the end of September. We had a session this morning where we learned about Redemptive Gifts (Romans 12) and it’s something I’ve prayed for. I’ve never had much instruction or understanding of walking in the gifts God’s given me. In fact, I didn’t really know what they even were.
Something struck me this morning. The qualities and downfalls of each of the gifts were being described. We arrived at the gift of giving and this gift is described as the least needy. Yet, our biggest downfall is not showing our need to God, because we tend to be fiercely independent. While I don’t fit the mold exactly, I realized, wow, I rarely ask God to sustain me. Right now, I need Him more than ever to sustain me. To renew my spirit, to restore me for the second half of this journey. Yet, I haven’t really presented Him with my need because I want to do it myself. I wasn’t aware I’d ordered a wakeup call this morning.
Please pray that I become more vulnerable in revealing my needs to the Lord. I know He hears and will comfort and sustain me through the next leg of this journey.
Lastly, I will be in Nairobi, Kenya debriefing and experiencing renewal within our squad until February 5th. From there all of K Squad minus my team will be heading to Uganda. My team will be heading to Kitale, Kenya as we were in Uganda for January. Not sure what exactly we’ll be doing but I’m sure it will be similar to this past month.
“All the days of my service I would wait, till my renewal should come.” Job 14:14
I think Job might have known a thing or two about needing restoration…
“Restore me to the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.” Psalm 51:12
