Funny things have been happening. I woke up one morning in Hungary, after a good night’s slumber in the cold, squashed next to my teammate and our packs in a 2-person tent. Nothing all that radical
Three months ago I was distraught over leaving behind my bed. I’ve found myself enjoying life. Even this way of life that includes sleeping on the ground at times and living out of a backpack. I’m realizing leaving behind comforts and luxuries I enjoy is pretty freaking awesome, for lack of a better adjective, in terms of what I’ve traded it for: a life with a community of believers who aren’t afraid to speak truth over you even when it hurts, a family full of encouragement and powerful prayer through my joys and pains.
I realize I’m not living in the middle of nowhere in a mud hut. I still have electricity, running water and have had it easy the past 3 months compared to what some Racers experience (don’t worry it’s coming soon enough) but I honestly expected to me miserable all year. To find out not only am I not miserable, but loving it. Weird?!
To be unreservedly blunt community sucks, in the best possible way. I find myself wanting to scratch my eyes out sometimes. I spent the morning reading old blogs and began to realize I’m not the same Nicole that started this crazy journey one early morning in August. I have grown more in the past 3 months than I have in years at home. I’m not without my share of issues but God has used my World Race community, my family, to reveal areas in my life that need work.
As I share with you I’m toiling with the matter of surrender…
To continue living up to the expectation of my blog title a lot has happened to K squad as a whole over the past few days and with the World Race you just never know what you’re going to get. We gathered together at a hostel in Sofia, Bulgaria. We had a sweet Halloween superhero party where my alter ego ‘Princess Powdernose’ was able to make an appearance, tiara and all. Spent lots of time laughing together. And even more time in reflection, worship, and prayer over change.
Squad leaders have risen up. Long story short, the first few months of our race we have been blessed with past racers who’ve been called to support raise, leave home again and support us throughout this journey. They don’t stay with us the whole year though. Leaders are chosen from within the squad to continue their work and I’m excited to see how God uses our new squad leaders in crazy ways over the next 8 months.
Since the new squad leaders were previous team leaders, as a result teams had to adjust. Did I mention we’ve gone through quite a bit of change in the past few days?
After two days of prayer and wonder our new teams were announced. Oddly enough, my team was the only team on K squad to remain intact. Everyone else was shuffled around a bit. I’d like to share something from a journal entry I wrote this morning:
November 1, 2009 – Sofia, Bulgaria
I need you; I need your strength 100% because I have no more room to love. I’m tired of trying and failing, tired of fighting, tired of tears and harboring anger and fear of when something else will explode.
Friday night we were told to pray into change as this weekend squad leaders would rise up and teams would change.
While other teams were upset and spent the weekend going on last team dates and time together my insides leapt. I was happy, there’s no light way to put that.
This morning they announced team changes after 2 days of wonder and anxiety. Tres was last to announce his team, I waited for someone else to call me name or my teammates but alas our team was the only to remain completely intact.
As I sit here in bed and look around, we each are crying. (Note: we were put on a silent retreat after team announcements to spend time with God and not go to each other for comfort or complaints)
God is good all the time and all the time, God is good. I think that’s one of the cheesiest statements. It’s what a Sunday School teacher would say to make me feel better. When I’m in the midst of a desert that saying doesn’t uplift anything. Yet, it’s been on my heart the past few weeks.
I’m sitting here now after a good cry and realize why. I’ve said it before, my team is a challenge, we’re each aware. But God, if it was easy I’d never turn to you for help. Why would I need your strength to love if my team was easy to love all the time? More of you, less of me. God, challenge me. Teach me. Show me. Hear my cry.
Genesis 4:6-7-The Lord said to Cain. “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And id you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.
Back to the issue of surrender. God is a man of His word. He is faithful to provide what we need, when we ask and seek Him wholeheartedly. I’ve asked to be broken. I’ve sought growth. But those things don’t happen on my terms. It happens when I lay down what I think that looks like and allow God to work. It isn’t easy. My pride continually gets in the way, tells me my team can’t work, can’t teach me anything.
It all starts with surrender. I need to begin each day on my knees and surrender to God and His authority, power, and ultimately, His kindness, goodness and grace. Because without Him there is no point to life.
So after my LONGEST blog comes even more.
K Squad is trekking onwards. Destination: Istanbul, Turkey. I’ll be loading a bus this evening with my squad and 10 hours later I’ll have entered a new month of ministry. I’ll keep you posted as much as possible. Also, we felt it fitting to change our team name has changed to match our new identity. Team Beautiful Feet is now Team Mosaic. We each have been broken and put back together to form something completely unique and beautiful.
