“Eenie meenie miny mo, catch a tiger by his toe…”
That’s how I spent Saturday morning. Not singing nursery rhymes to children; parked on my bedroom floor surrounded by a sea of stuff I’d intended to bring this year. Faced with life-altering decisions; eye shadow or an extra shirt? Life or death let me tell you.
The scene was almost laughable. Almost. Until I realized all my ‘necessities’ weren’t going to fit into my 70-liter pack. I quickly regretted listening to the crazy man at REI who insisted due to my height and weight I couldn’t carry a medium pack. Who cares about back problems if I couldn’t squeeze a bottle of dry shampoo in my small pack?
It’s important to stress a few things to my readers. While many of the things I’ve written about having to give up thus far may seem petty to you, they aren’t to me. Not yet.
This summer has been very introspective. I’ve had to examine the many things I’ve given myself over to other than the Lord. It hasn’t been easy. Often times I feel alone and frankly like I have no place on this Race.
I’ve previously shared with you what a stretch this trip will be for me. In no way do I mean to discount any other Racers, but I’m a far cry from granola. I mean I use brow powder for goodness sake, I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who feels like she can’t live without that for a year…or the only person who even knew it existed.
For those who aren’t aware of the origin of ‘granola,’ allow me to utilize some collected research (aka Urban Dictionary):
Granola girl- Modern hippy woman minus the heroin and STD’s. Socially aware and active with a penchant for hemp and sodium-free soap. May eat tofu for breakfast and sweeten food with agave syrup. Is determined to save the world.
‘What the heck have I done’ feelings have set in.
I’ve had a week of goodbyes. What gets me is the ‘I’m proud of you’ comments, and ‘I could never do that, you’re so brave’ or worse…‘selfless.’ I hate that word. I’m the most selfish person alive.
I’ve threatened friends beyond an inch of their lives concerning marriage. They aren’t allowed to marry this year. I like to think I’m scary enough they’ll oblige. Though I don’t think I can stop them from halfway around the world. What happens when my best friend meets ‘the one?’ I won’t be able to give my Maid of Honor speech stating I remember their first date, because I won’t.
I’m missing my cousin’s wedding in November. There are countless other events I’ll be missing.
I’ll miss little things too. As much as I like to imagine my friends and family will don black clothing for a year mourning my absence; not going to happen. Life will continue on as per usual. Friends will graduate, get careers, and move across the country.
It all involves trust. Do I trust God has me in the palm of His hand? That His will is greater than my own? Will I make it more than a month? Can I live without conveniences? Most of all; will I enjoy this year? Will it be worth all I ‘gave up?’
Mark 9:23-24- Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out with tears, “I believe. Help my unbelief!”
This is my cry. Lord, I long for the day I can follow you without hesitation, with unwavering trust in your perfect plans. Give me the strength, to trust you wholeheartedly. Cast away my doubt. Help my unbelief!
