When you ask me, “Hey Nicole, are you ready for the trip?” a million things run through my head at once.
- “No.”
- UGH my pack isn’t big enough. Need a new one.
- I have to pack an entire year’s stuff in this thing AND carry it around?
- Japanese Encephalitis vaccine? What is that? $300? For what?
- Let go of my selfish desires? that’s a no.
- I might get lice on this thing? that’s also a no
- Is there gonna be wifi
- Phew! Sleeping pad is chosen. Wait… I have to sleep on this thing for a year?
When talking with friends and family about a situation where something just isn’t working out, I always tell people “there is great freedom in surrender.” But what I’ve never had to explain is the journey up to that point. Nor the starting point – where you’re looking off into a scary abyss. You don’t mention the sacrifices you make, the pride you have to swallow, the plans that never worked out. You only mention the good part at the end of the lesson, where you found freedom. It’s like cliff jumping, so to say. You’re not sure how tall the platform is that you just jumped off of, so you’re not sure how bad the landing will hurt. {see photo below}
The most notable experience I have with this comes with a trip I took to Guatemala. Two years ago, I went to Guatemala for the first time on a short-term missions trip. Shortly after my first time in the country, I returned by myself for a longer-term stay. I went to work as a global health intern with a rural health clinic. Long story short, it didn’t work out. The clinic was located in a fairly small town. I didn’t speak Spanish very well, I didn’t have any friends there… the whole thing just wasn’t working out. A lot of tears were shed during that time. I had planned to learn a new language, do some special projects, and connect with the people in the clinic. I got none of that. After a couple of weeks of feeling miserable, I finally decided to quit.
Quitting was a mix of emotions. Happy because it was over, overwhelmed because I had no idea what I was going to do. My plan failed. I had a clear vision for what I wanted to do, and none of it worked. I felt like I failed everyone supporting me back home. I went to a coffee shop the next day to get some of that free wifi (seasoned travelers, you know what I’m talkin’ about!) and wrap my head around what I was going to do. With one quick google search and phone call, I found a Spanish school in the town across the lake that was looking for volunteers to teach English. The following day, I went to speak with them in person. I became both a Spanish student and English teacher that same day. I found an apartment later that afternoon, paid a deposit, and went back across the lake. That weekend, I had a friend help me pile my things into a tuk tuk, hailed a boat to come and pick us up, and moved to the other town later that weekend.
After that, it felt like the sky opened up. I developed an incredible sense of community in that town. I started catching on to Spanish, and developed a passion for teaching English. I started learning Spanish at an exponential rate, my students were soaking up their lessons like sponges. Everything was feeling good. Not great, just good. The weeks continued to go by and turns out, the Lord put some of the most loving people in my life during that time, friendships that I still highly cherish to this very moment. I developed an incredible community in a place that originally felt like a mistake to me. JC really showed up.
Every friendship and every experience I had during that time was all a part of the Lord’s intricate and sneaky plan to show me that what he had was greater. I began my time in Guatemala with a clear picture for how I thought I would minister to people. But, JC rocked my world, ruined my plans, and immediately placed me into HIS plans for me, which were immeasurably greater.
So, when you ask me, “Hey Nicole, you ready for the trip?”
Uh… no, I’m not. I have a lot to do. Like surrender control of my worries, fears, doubts, and desires going into this. There is a lot of prep work to be done: things to buy, people to see, multiple thousands of dollars to be raised. I’m leaving my family, my friends, my boyfriend.. this is a scary step that I’m about to take.
My experience in Guatemala was the cliff notes version of how the Lord will be working on my heart before and throughout the race. But, despite this entire blog that explains the reasons why I’m not ready for the trip… these exact struggles are why I signed up. I want to confront these fears, tear down those walls, invest in relationships with my squadmates, and grow in intimacy with the Lord.
So I’m not feeling ready just yet, but I will be.
