02.24.2013
it took almost 2 months, but i finally woke up.
i am awake!! thank goodness. or Jesus.
in the interest of authenticity and vulnerability i’ll just say it…
until now, i wouldn’t have actually cared if i was sent home. for real.
maybe that sounds crazy. maybe you’re thinking “wtf nicole!? you are on the adventure of a lifetime! why would you think that!?” or maybe you’re wondering why you financially and emotionally supported a girl who’s so wishy washy. believe me when i say i was wondering those same things. every day. sometimes multiple times a day.
i just hadn’t really bought into the idea of world race. i hadn’t really bought into the idea that i’m living a great story. i came into this year thinking i already knew who i was and i already knew what it would take to do world race or live my life to the fullest. i was wrong. and when i realized that, i shrank back. i hid. i went to sleep. sometimes literally.
change can be scary. terrifying even. i hold onto all the crap i’ve always known because it’s familiar and safe. with change comes loss of control. foreign concepts, unknown variables, unfamiliar territory. i don’t know how to navigate that. not well, at least.
fear has been the thief of my story. i’ve shied away from walking in the fullness of who i was made to be because i don’t like messy! what if i do it wrong? what if i fail? what if people think it’s stupid? what if everything doesn’t look pretty and precise and accurate!?
guess what. your life is accurate if you show up to it!
everyone wants some great, exciting life and none wants to do the work to get there. but great stories don’t just happen. you have to show up.
truths (say these out loud with me. trust me, just do it.)
God made me with a plan and a purpose.
i have an irreplaceable role to play.
i am going to show up to my life.
i don’t know what it means for you to show up to your life.
for me it means believing who i am and walking in fullness. it means listening to that still small voice when He leads. it means saying “i’m wrong and i’m sorry.” it means taking risks. it means doing the right thing, which is usually the hard thing. it means walking in the unknown. it means speaking up even when my voice is shaking. it means embracing the people in my life as gifts. it means living deeply within myself, fully present in the reality of my story. it means relinquishing control and letting the author of life write that story. it means letting things be messy.
“it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” galatians 5:1
i don’t want to be a slave to fear and performance any longer.
so here’s to waking up. and showing up. and getting messy.
<3
