i’m about to blog on a very old and tired topic. it’s a topic that generally stirs up two kinds of reactions from women – 1) the eye roll or 2) acute feminism. but it’s something that is constantly a topic of conversation on the world race. i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and i’ll probably have to think about it a lot for the rest of my life.
body image.
[disclaimer: before i get into it, you should know that this blog is written for women. sorry men, i know you guys struggle with body image too…but i’m not a man and can only offer insight into the female perspective on this issue. and also, no, i do not think there is anything inherently wrong with make up or exercise or fashion or being thin.]
i don’t like to talk about it and i don’t want to talk about it. it actually sort of pisses me off that it’s 2013 and this is something we still have to talk about. wtf? anyway, i’m gonna talk about it.
i think i generally hated my body for the first 25 years of my life, which seems a bit absurd since i never broke 100 pounds till i was out of high school and the most i’ve ever weighed is probably 120. i’ve also never had a 6 pack or been able to say that my thighs don’t touch. i guess i thought that overall, i was pretty average. but average isn’t beautiful, and therefore isn’t important.
my friend meredith says women are obsessed with being beautiful because we equate beauty with importance. i agree with her. somewhere in our lives we learn to believe that beautiful people deserve our attention and our time and our money and anything else we have to offer them. by “beautiful people” i mean beautiful by the standard of society and media; skinny and tan and fashionable and flawless. if you want to be important, if you want attention, be beautiful. somewhere in our lives we also learned to believe that it’s not ok to think we’re beautiful. i often hear the most gorgeous women i know saying the most self deprecating things. ask any woman to name something she actually likes about herself and you’re likely to hear something along the lines of, “yeah, my legs are ok, but look at my hips!” “my hair looks good, but i really hate my hairline.” “my blue eyes are nice, but they could be bluer.” for the most part i believed all of these things i was taught to believe. and then, some time around my 25th birthday, i became really tired of hating myself.
i envisioned me in the future, sometime in my 50s, after i’ve lived more life and had kids and helped them live their lives. and you know what? future me didn’t hate myself. future me had a lot more to think about than a little cellulite or eye wrinkles or unplucked eyebrows. the body of future me had carried and nurtured children. that’s a big deal, to make a new human from scratch! when i considered future me, i hoped she’d be wiser, kinder, more patient and loving. i hoped she’d have read more books and tried new things and seen more of the world. if i considered if she had put on a little weight or had some gray hair, those things seemed well earned. anyway, nearly all of the most beautiful women i know are curvy and have wrinkles and don’t hate themselves for it.
I recently read a book called bird by bird by anne lamott. she says “awareness is learning to keep yourself company. And then learn to be more compassionate company, as if you were somebody you are fond of and wish to encourage.”
and i think some where around my 25th birthday i realized that i don’t want to hate myself for the rest of my life. and i don’t want to teach my daughters to hate themselves as they watch me hate myself, you know? i don’t want to teach them that validity comes from slenderness because all that women have to offer the world is physical appearance. i want to be fond of and encourage myself. but if i don’t begin that now, then when?
self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, a natural byproduct of relationship with God. what i had done in my life is try to force some sort of self-control, but discipline in eating and self care came from a number of damaging things. so what i had was “self control” inspired by comparison, pride, jealousy, and self-hatred…that’s not of the Lord, that’s bondage to self. none of those things brought me closer to Him or His people. in relationship with Him we find freedom that releases us from this shame and self-hatred. this enables me to love the Lord and what He loves. and what He loves is me! it leads me to take care of myself as He would lead me to. not starving myself, but not binging. not using food as a weapon or comfort. but finding my comfort and wholeness and freedom in Him.
i still have bad days. i still have days where i can’t believe i have nothing to wear and i swear i’m the ugliest i’ve ever been and everyone i’ve ever met is going to see me today and point and laugh. then i tell myself that if i think bodily perfection is imperative, i need to get a grip. why are we obsessed with being tiny!? one way i’ve heard it put is this: “Babies and puppies are small. So are dimes and skittles. You’re a woman. A woman! You are not here to get smaller. You are not here to have a thin waist and thighs. You are not here to disappear. You are here to change the world! Change the world, then! Forget about ‘losing a few pounds.’ Think about what you could be gaining instead.”
there was another story from bird by bird that stuck with me. she says,
“[…] about a month before my friend Pammy died, she said something that may have permanently changed me. We had gone shopping for a dress for me to wear to a nightclub with the man I was seeing at the time. Pammy was in a wheelchair, wearing her Queen Mum wig, the Easy Rider look in her eyes. I tried on a lavender minidress, which is not my usual style. I tend to wear big, baggy clothes. People used to tell me I dressed like John Goodman. Anyway, the dress fit perfectly, and I came out to model it for her. I stood there feeling very shy and self-conscious and pleased. Then I said, “Do you think it makes my hips look too big?” and she said to me slowly, “Annie? I really don’t think you have that kind of time.”
and you know what? i think she’s right. i don’t think any of us have that kind of time. i don’t have time to hate myself. there are infinitely better ways too spend my time. there’s too much learning and growing and adventuring and doing and caring and loving to even think about wasting time on being unkind to myself.
all that to say, be kind to yourselves ladies. focus on growing, not shrinking. and start today. you’re beautiful. believe it.
