God: The Heavenly Gumball Machine.

I used to believe in the power of the “emotional high”. My relationship with God depended solely on the feelings I could get by being in his presence. If I got I shiver down my spine while I was praying I felt like I was really getting somewhere. Deeper intimacy with God depended on how often those shivers occurred. It sounds silly and I am poking fun at myself but the essence of what I’m conveying is serious.

I was extremely legalistic, confused and quite honestly ridiculous in the way that I thought about God. My heavenly gumball machine. I inserted my prayer, twisted the crank and out rolled my prize. A minor dose of delirium for the girl who was trying to catch God by the toe.

It wasn’t all bad. My intentions were actually very good. I really did want to see God’s kingdom come. My passion was genuine. The thing is the way I related to God was off.

I called God “my Father” but to me that didn’t include an image of a loving Daddy. Father was formal. Father had to be obeyed or there would be consequences. Father was very hard to please, there was always something I should have done better but there was also great pleasure when I got something right.

I was performance driven. A slave to the way that people seen me. I cringed at their criticism and warmed at their pleasure but always with a wary eye reading their body language. If there was any doubt as to the sincerity of the compliment I would disregard it immediately so that I wasn’t hurt by it later. 

I believed that God loved me but I also believed that it was my responsibility to work to please God. God loved me as a member of a larger group, not an individual. If I wanted God to love Nicole than Nicole had better get her act together.