An Invitation to Eavesdrop.

 

      Something that I have learned on the World Race is the art of listening prayer. We often think of prayer as a one-sided conversation. We talk, God listens and that’s pretty much the extent of it. But that’s selling God short. He loves to hear from you but he also really, really wants to talk back and he does. The trick is to give him the time and space to do it. I’ve been practicing that these past 10 months. Tonight this is how our conversation went…

 

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   Me: You know, in some ways I feel like I’ve failed at blogging…

   God: That depends on how you define success.

 

   Me: I haven’t defined it. I just wanted to give people a glimpse, just a glimpse of what the world looks like. I wanted to invite them on a journey and take them there through my stories, my photos and videos. I want to break through the stats and give them faces to reflect on when they considered the injustices of the world. I don’t know if I’ve really done that. In so many ways it feels like I’ve just bumbled my way through the year. I struggled to truly see even when I was standing right next to the very people I was hoping to introduce my readers to.

 

   God: That sounds like a definition.

 

   Me: What do you mean?

 

   God: Think about it. What did you just say?

 

   Me: That I wanted to give a glimpse and introduce people to faces, not numbers. I also wanted to inform people about global issues and introduce them to some of the people working to bring change.

 

   God: You did that. You told them about what you saw, felt, and experienced. You introduced them to people you met. People like Chong or Elaina. By your own definition you were successful. But there’s more isn’t there? 

 

   Me: Maybe… I mean… One of the biggest reasons I became interested in missions as a kid was through the stories of missionaries and martyr’s around the world. I read about the work they did and were doing. The things you were accomplishing through and I got fired up. I got hungry. I wanted to be out there, in the world up to my elbows in the tragedy of sin moving mountains in your strength.

 

   God: I remember. I love that fire in you. Why does that make you cry.

 

   Me: I just want them to get it. I want them to feel it. I wanted to share it with them, to show them. This year has been so hard. It’s been amazing. Crazy. Stupid. Challenging. Overwhelming. It is far beyond the best words I could write down. I have tried. I wanted to write it down. I wanted to record it all and tell glowing stories but most of the time I just couldn’t. It was too much for me to take in. Too personal or, at times to invasive to tell the stories, even with changed names. I could bring myself to write and I’m a writer. It’s what I do but I struggle to find words…

 

   God: I know Love, it breaks my heart too…

 

   Me: It hurts… I’m afraid that I’ve wasted time. I look back and wonder if I got everything I could have or needed to get out these past 10 months. I look ahead and worry that I’ll miss what you’re going to do. I want to get it. I want to feel it. I want to give it all and be completely real. Maybe I haven’t been real enough with my blogs.

 

   God: You know better. I know you know better. I love your blogs. Stop entertaining lies and dancing around truth. You’re playing dumb, you know who you are. Be real.

 

   Me: (Too much snot to reply.)

 

   God: Do you want to know why your blogs are not the prose perfect master pieces you thought they were going to be? Do you want to know why it feels like you’ve fumbled your way through the year? Hmmm..? I’ll tell you why. It’s because the dreams I placed in your heart. Those great expectations, the desire to write out your experiences and bring change through your words that was 100 times bigger than 11 months on the World Race can handle. The desire you had to go and embrace the wounds of humanity — that’s a vision of who you are becoming, not some kind of test or a marker with an 11 month time limit. Nicole, life did not begin and it does not end with the World Race. The metaphors and pictures I gave you in Swaziland. That belongs to you as well. Claim it. Your blog, Sweet heart it’s beautiful. It’s not what you expected but it is exactly what I intended. You will see people catch the passion that you carry. The love that you carry is deep waters and that is irresistable. Trust me. This 11 months is only training for something much bigger than you can see from where you stand. Don’t judge small beginnings. Cherish them…

 

   Me: I needed to hear that… 

 

   God: I know. I’ve really wanted to tell you.

 

   Me: …Thank you…

 

   God: I love you so much. I am so proud of you. I can’t wait to show you what’s next…

 

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I draw no conclusions. You were eavesdropping. Take from it what you will.

But one request, try asking God a question and listening for yourself.