You know when you’ve heard something so many times you start to just tune it out the next time you hear it… yeah, me too, that’s how I felt walking into church yesterday. My squad mate, Mark, was preaching and while we were walking to church I asked him what his sermon would be on, while he was telling me it would be about our new life in Christ and the difference between our old life and our new life, I had already made up my mind that I’d heard that sermon enough; I would just continue my daily reading through the Psalms and 1&2 Peter and tune in occasionally just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything good. So as church started that’s exactly what I did, I flipped open my Bible to where I’d left off earlier that morning in 1 Peter and continued to read, but less than 5 minutes later something Mark said caught my attention, something I had heard a thousand times before but it FINALLY sank in for me:
“YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST!”
You see, my past, the mistakes I’ve made, the things I’ve done that I’m ashamed to admit to people who never knew “Miley”, the way I spoke, acted, and thought- do not make up who I am today. That was a completely different person, and who I am today is a much happier, much fuller, and way more loving person than who some of you think you know.
I got the chance to read an incredible book last month called “The Shack” and a couple of the quotes just stuck with me and they’ve helped me understand why I acted how I did for so long; “…Will you at least consider this: When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me (God)?”
“Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around…You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around…Living unloved is like clipping a bird’s wings and removing its ability to fly…Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.”
“Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors”
“When you choose independence over relationship, you become a danger to each other. Others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness.”
Because I had been hurt in a way that affected me to my core, I had lost my ability to allow people, and even God, to truly love me; and since hurt people typically hurt people, that was my defense mechanism for close to 6 years. Anyone who tried to get too close or who wanted the ability to be let in, I slammed the door in their face. For me, if I kept people at an arms length they wouldn’t be able to get close enough to ever effect me or hurt me that way again, but instead of saving myself I was hindering myself, immensely. Because of what happened to me, I placed a ton of blame on myself; some of my closest friends didn’t even know for years after because I was ashamed, I thought it was my fault that it happened, I had some how asked for it or somehow deserved it and so I didn’t tell many people for years, and that kind of secret will rot you from the inside out, it will turn you mean and leave you with a cold heart, sure love doesn’t really exist, especially not for someone like you.
I’m currently in the middle of another incredible book; “God Stories” (I’m saying this for you book people- buy these two books and read them), in one part Andrew Wilson is talking about shame being removed from us by God; he is talking about how Adam and Eve were the first to know shame when they realized they were naked in the garden- “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” (Gen3:7) God created nakedness as a gift- because we (humans) were pure and had not sinned being naked was a gift to represent the closeness both between Adam & Eve and between them and God, but once sin entered the picture the first consequence from sin was SHAME, and as in most shameful situations their initial reaction was to cover it up (just like I tried to).
“Nakedness and transparency, intended as blessings, had become a disgrace through the corrupting power of sin. But there is one thing in the world that can overcome disgrace, and that is grace…Humans first response was to hide their nakedness clumsily, God’s first action was to hide their nakedness perfectly… though they were incapable of covering their shame, the living God was not…It took the gracious intervention of God through a blood sacrifice to removed their disgrace. And it always has… So when scripture speaks of being clothed in garments of salvation (Isa. 61:10), pure vestments (zech.3:4), and white linen (Rev.19:7-8,14), it is not just telling us of sins forgiven, as wonderful as that is. It is telling us of shame removed.”
My past was rough, and wasn’t ‘fair’ but as the age old saying goes’ “life isn’t always fair”, but in no way was what happened my fault and to feel shame for that was Satan’s way of keeping me from reaching my full potential in Christ and the joys He has planned for me and my life. What I did in my past doesn’t make me a bad person, but I’m also not the same person I was when I did those things. It’s crazy to me to think back on some of the things I did, even right before leaving for this journey, and look at where I am a short 5 months later; being surrounded with a community who will help you pick up the pieces instead of sneering at them, will do wonders for you if you allow it.
I am not the same Nicole that thought I didn’t deserve love because I wasn’t worthy, I’m not the same Nicole that left America on the 9th of September, and when I return home at the beginning of August I won’t be the same Nicole I am today. Your past is just that, the past, and that’s where it needs to stay; when you start to bring your past into the present it will infect you and your relationships like a deadly virus, and in order to grow and flourish in what God has called you to, you need to not only ask God to forgive you, but you need to be able to fully forgive yourself in order to heal.
I am worthy. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am full. I am happy. But most impressively, by His glory, grace, forgiveness and love I can say for the first time in a long time, I AM HAPPY WITH ME, and who God has created me to be, the struggles I’ve overcome because of His grace, and where He is taking me on this crazy journey called life.
As Josh Wilson says,
“That was then, this is now. You’re bought by the blood, saved by the son that the saints all sing about. That was lost, this is found and its time to say goodbye to the old you now. So go ahead and put the past in the past, box it up like an old photograph, you don’t have to go back because that was then and this is now.”
