I woke up this past Wednesday morning with sharp pains shooting through my neck. The entire right side of the back of my neck ached with muscle spasms of excruciating pain. Starting from the top of my shoulder up to the base of my skull, knots upon knots surrounded the ligaments of my neck muscle. It was completely stiff and hard as rock.
With aching kinks, I rolled out of bed to find myself in tears. My team mate, Rachel, attempted to rub out the pain after I had put washcloth after washcloth of warm compress on the back of my neck. I screamed out in tears as she tried to push out the knots. My head would not move to the right at all.
In the depth of my soul, I knew God had a plan in this painful situation. I prayed and cried, “God, What are you teaching me in all of this?“
All I could feel in my heart after praying was, “Ask for Help.”
At the beginning of this month, I prayed for God to walk me into a season of humility. The opposite of being humble is being full of pride. Pride is loving what others think about you or loving yourself more than the story God gave you. The Truth is, God’s story for each of our lives is perfect and God’s love is unchanging in the midst of changing situations. On the race, I have learned that different struggles, circumstances, and chapters of our lives inevitably create space for growth. It is our hearts that must be open to change from the inward out so that we may walk into more freedom as our pursuit of Christ unfolds.
Walking into humility, I had to ask for help. Asking for help has always been difficult for me. I have always felt I had to depend on myself or be independent; however, when we desire to live out our lives for Christ, He calls us to ask others for help. God calls us to humble ourselves before others.
‘You my brothers and sisters, were called to be free, But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For their entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:13-14)’
In the moment, I felt helpless. I felt completely immovable. Despite all the pain, the heart of Christ’s love showed up in my team mates’ actions. All day my team mates made me meals, brought me hot washcloths, and filled socks with warm rice to try and ease the pain as I laid in bed. They served, they were willing, and they loved me through one of the worst days no matter how hard I fought it.
At almost 2am that night, I awoke attempting to move. The pain was so indescribable as I shouted and cried in agony. I could not even move. It took three of my team mates helping to even get me into a position in which I could finally fall back asleep.
The next morning, Casey and Jami took me to the hospital in Windhoek. Barely able to walk, my muscle spasms had increased. Terrible shoots of pain at the the base of my skull made my body cringe as I felt crippled. The doctor gave me several medications to reduce pain and sedate me. After taking a muscle relaxer, I went into the x-ray room. The nurse attempted to move my head back as I stood there with a heavy weighted led vest on. She proceeded to go into a little boxed room to take the x-ray picture, and I slowly began to lose my vision as I tried to stand still. Seeing splotches of color tunnel into complete darkness, a tingling sensation sprang throughout my body. I lost my balance and began to collapse. I passed out with the nurse and Jami catching my fall. When I came to, I sat on the floor completely nauseated and dizzy. I had lost all my strength.
Galatians 6:2 says, ‘Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.’
After a long day of enduring hospital visits, Casey and Jami had continued to love, laugh, and keep joy the main focus as we made our journey home to the orphanage. In complete weakness, I lost my balance once again in the parking lot from another intense muscle spasm. At this point, I could no longer depend on my own strength but had to rely on theirs entirely to hold me up. In that moment, I felt like giving up, crying, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” They both spoke encouraging words as they lifted my body up and walked me to the van. On the way home, God was quick to remind me, “You cant give up now, you’ve come this far.”
Through all of this, God taught me that we are meant to ask for help. That we are called to carry each others burdens, we are called to ask others for help, and what matters to God is that we be completely changed from the inside out (2 Corinthians 5:17). It has taken a hospital visit and three painful days in order for me to discover that we are not made to do things on our own. My physical stiff neck made me realize how stiff my spiritual walk was in regards to humility. God showed me I could no longer rely on my own independence to hold my head up – I needed help from those around me. In this life, it is Jesus who holds us up and it is the Jesus in us all that helps to hold others up.
This holiday season I am learning to rely on others, especially in my weakest moments. My neck is slowly healing and I am continuing to rest. I have realized what a beautiful walk it is to ask for help along the way. To lay down pride and say, “Hey, I need help.” I am so grateful for these six other women who I can faithfully call my sisters. For their servant hearts and for the ways they have challenged me to grow over the last few months. There is no other place I would rather be right now, I feel at home here with my team.
Currently, above my bed in Namibia, I have this motto taped to the cement wall:
‘Life is tough but so are you.‘
Today, I can honestly say I am tough because I learned to ask for help, not because I did it on my own.
