I’ve been dwelling the Christian life lately. Looking at biblical character of David and the experiences God used to turn him into the man he is. If you read his psalms there are times where he is overcome with joy, singing praises to his God. Then there are other times where he asking God questions like, “Where are you?” and “Will you forget me forever?” – yet he still praises God.
Its in the midst of trials where God proves how faithful he really is. Its in this process of Him coming through again and again and again that causes our faith to grow and our fears to fade. In this blog I will attempt to describe the times I’ve been broken on the race and the ways that God has been continually faithful in the midst of the trials. I am not trying to complain or play the victim, but the trials of life come quite frequently and I’ve come to find that God is truly faithful through them.
I still look back on month one in awe of the miraculous work that God is doing in India. It feels like you are walking around in the Acts church – expecting the miraculous and hearing of God’s wonders in the midst of persecution. The first breaking point I experienced was during an Indian holiday in one of the villages. We danced, sang, preached, and enjoyed great Indian hospitality. As we had grown accustomed to, the villagers would come up to us after service to receive prayer. Many of these villagers were healed of their pains and illnesses even if they were not believers. Many faith in the ability of God to bring physical healing grew greatly that month and I wanted the same thing for myself.
I’ve been praying for the restoration of sight in my left eye since I was a kid and I thought it was my time to be healed. I asked my team and the locals for prayer to receive sight and the result was… still no sight. I was really torn up about it thinking, “God am I not Indian enough for you?”- as foolish as that sounds. Though I didn’t receive sight, I did gain insight into the family I have overseas. I felt like a hollow shell missed expectations and our translator put his arm around me like a good shepherd and walked me to the van. I broke down about it during worship in front of my team and was met with compassion, prayer, and understanding. I believe he used this trial to bring us closer together and as team and with the Indians we were serving.
I broke twice in Cambodia. The first time was a result was a result of heat, sickness, and team conflict. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you would know that we had explosive diarrhea for 2 weeks in 115 degree heat. I wasn’t sleeping much in the heat and I was frustrated/physically spent. I went into the church sanctuary to yell at God about it- pretty pissed off at this point. Before I began my rant I thought “David usually worshiped in the midst of this stuff maybe I will try that and then yell at God.” I started to sing to God and immediately fell to the floor. I didn’t get up for hours as I was met with such comfort, grace, and love from the Father that I could barely move. What started out as an attempted to complain, turned into one of the most powerful encounters with God that I’ve ever had. By the time I left that room I had so much peace and contentment I couldn’t believe it. My teammate Eric said I looked like Moses coming down from Mount Sinai.
I broke again that month in a conference in Siem Reap called the awakening. The conference was made up of squads from all different months (month 4, 7, 10 ect.) and was designed to help people understand their calling. I was sobered by the fact that the race would end at some point and I still had no idea what I was supposed to do after the race in any capacity. I had high expectations for a calling that didn’t end up being met. I broke down about it the last night of the conference, but God used that situation to bring into the realm of full trust and abandonment. I abandoned all of my dreams and expectations of life to the Lord and chose to trust him- what other choice did I have at this point? I’ve walked in greater freedom, trusting the Lord as a result of trails in Cambodia. And God has been faithful in giving me post race dreams several months later.
I’m not gonna lie, Eastern Europe has been tough season. I broke again last month in Albania. Along with grieving the great season of life that Asia was there was so much conflict that month I wanted to be anywhere else than where I was. We were mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. I couldn’t sleep one night out of anger and did a solo sunrise hike. Drained and spent I lifted my complaints to the Lord. I worshiped him as the fog rolled in on a mountaintop and was met again my grace. He turned my whole mentality around in a couple of hours. He gave me joy and contentment with the strength to go on. It was another amazing encounter with God in the midst of hardship. He taught me that day that no matter where we are in life, our true home lies in heaven and the closer to our God that we are the more at home we will be.
My most recent breaking point was at a camp in Macedonia. I’ve been struggling with feelings of being depleted and burned out in ministry. In the midst of these trials I’ve learned so much about community. How blessed am I to be traveling with such loving, godly people! God has helped me to keep moving forward through them and brought me out of the valley of fatigue, singing his praises as I write this. He gives you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it. We went to Thessoloniki, Greece the other day where he inspired my faith again through an adventure with Him and by his grace I have the strength to keep moving forward in this journey I am so privileged to be on.
If you get anything from this blog know this- like the psalmist David, who went through more trials than any of us will likely have to endure, cry out to God like a child seeking his father. We can be raw, emotional, and real with him. He already knows your heart so why hold back. Go into nature and just be broken before him when your overwhelmed, he will take your burdens and give you rest. And in the midst of your cries worship – because he is good, because he loves you more than you can ever understand, and because he already knows what you need even before you ask. What we really need is his presence.
