These past couple of weeks being home have been drastically different after what I had experienced down at training camp. I have become a happier individual and am working harder at everything I am doing. As each day passes the anticipation for my departure grows. But life is not getting easier. This past Saterday my dad, sister, my two friends who were visiting from out of state and I went on a 10 mile hike. It was one of the more physically difficult hikes for me because of the distance and the steepness of it and yet I enjoyed every bit of it. But there was a point in the hike, about halfway through, that I fell behind. I was struggling to keep up because I am out of shape and everyone else was just hiking. I began to think “I shouldn’t be here” and “Im just slowing everyone down”. I started to think back to The Hike we had to do at training camp where the entire team needed to finish under a set time. I was one of the last ones to cross, I still made it but I felt like a failure to the team because I almost caused us to fail. When we did the hike the second time, my time was much better than the previous but I was still slower than everyone else. I pushed through it and got it done. it was hard mentally but I got through it.
So Back to this past Saturday. My friends and sister were up in the front just going at it. My dad loves to hike and would have been up there with them but he stayed ahead of me and would wait for me to catch up before getting ahead again. He kept telling me “It’s all in your head. If you tell your body to do it, it will.” My only thought was Why are you waiting for me? I’ll be fine, just go have fun with everyone else.” I knew I could do it. And I went into the hike knowing I was going to be the slowest. I was hating on myself for the majority of the hike until I had the realization that My dad didn’t care that I wasn’t fast. He was happy with me because I didn’t give up or stop for too long. He Kept telling me “Your doing good. Keep going.” So I pushed and made it to the top. I was the last one up there, but I was up there smiling and in victory over myself and not in a defeated mindset. I began to think back to the hike at training camp. My team wasn’t disappointed in me for coming in behind. They were happy and proud that I never gave up and I kept pushing. I began to remember how David, one of my teammates, ran with me and kept telling me that I was doing good and that I was killing it. Knowing what the time was, he didn’t care because he was helping me push past my own mind.
Now all of this has had me thinking. No matter how hard things get, God doesn’t care if were slow, or falling behind everyone else. As long as we continue to push and fight, he is happy with us because we never give up.
I have always struggled with my own self defeat and beating myself up whenever I don’t perform as well as others around me. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter, I just have to give my all and keep going. This is why I am getting more excited for this journey that begins in September. I will be growing in my strength both physically and mentally and will be able to help those alongside me. I am beginning to be at peace with myself and the situations I may encounter.
I won’t give up and I will always keep pushing
