Philippians 4:13
That was the key that I left on the Race with. It was chained around my neck and I carried it trying to figure out what it meant. “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me”. I had no clue what that actually meant. All I knew was that I couldn’t actually stand the thought of that verse, because I had seen it be used so egregiously especially in the sports world.
But then life got hard on the race. And the spiritual journey that would follow would test me in ways that I could have never imagined. And slowly but surely the Lord began to sweetly break down the walls that I never knew that I had put up. And I had absolutely no clue how to be joyful, how to be a son, how to be in pain in a healthy way, and how to heal.
For the majority of my life I’ve been in fight or flight. Five to six steps ahead of whatever event or person that would come next to disrupt my life.
So now what. Now what Nick, how do you live and love a team that you barely know. How do you bring yourself to do ministry in other nations when you’re not even complete yourself? How do you inspire and lead the people that you love because that’s what the Lord has done for you? Well for one you surrender. That’s so key. Lifting your hands to the sky and saying Lord I’m done doing this my way because it never has worked a day in my life. And then How do I deal with these feelings for love and emotion that are causing chaos within me? How do I love and serve people well? The way the Lord shows us how?
The most important part is that it doesn’t start with us. me. you. whatever.
I can do all this in Christ who strengthens me.
See I am completely spent on my own strength. I am not nearly big enough or strong enough to carry all this. But there is some One that is. Some One that would bear a cross. Some One that would take all of my shame and carry it up a hill on His torn back.
I found my strength in my surrender to the Lord. I found healing in what the Lord had done for me, and how none of it came from my own strength. Who knows? Maybe that’s why I can’t boast in myself. That’s oddly biblical.
Well I lost that key. Somewhere in Haiti. I hope whoever finds it, they get what they need from it’s wording.
And so; my new struggle began. I began to struggle with the massive wounds that my past had left in my soul. On my heart. And Through this trial of discovery that healing was painful, I began to realize that I truly would never be good enough.
Enter an angel in my life: my teammate. Hailey Grimm. She left me a key under my door in South Africa, with a note that I’m still processing through. The wording on the key?
Whole.
So here’s to a new season. A new key. A new piece of my identity. Whole. I’m whole in my brokenness before the Lord. I’m whole before myself, my team, my family, and my God. And for the first time in a long time, with my hopes and passions and dreams and loves before the Lord: I’m whole.
Cheers
